It seems like we were just saying farewell to 2010, and now 2011 is already coming to a close. Every year, I am amazed by how quickly life passes by. Looking back, this has been a ridiculously eventful year. If I were to try to do a legit recap in one blog post, I would bore the world to pieces. There's just so much. I've blogged about most of it already, I'm sure. I'll just say a little snippet about the things I can think of off the top of my head. They're not really in perfect order, but whatever...close enough.
Snowmageddon 2011.
Learned to shoot a gun.
A three-house fire just down from where I lived.
Experiencing true community through my neighborhood in Adair Park.
New hobbies.
House-hunting all over South Atlanta.
A break-up, but a great Valentine's Day with friends anyway.
Being sick the first few months of the year.
Springtime festivals in parks around the city.
Hold on & Let go tattoos.
Leaps of faith in many areas of my life.
A 29th birthday weekend spent with lots of family, karaoke, and a concert with friends in the Park.
Live music shows all summer long...being introduced to great new music (Bess Rogers, Rachel Platten, Allie Moss, etc).
Watching a friend of over 20 years walk down the aisle in June.
Fun, competitive church softball.
Unplugged in the Park at Piedmont Park.
Traded my friend a tv for a gun.
My return to soccer-playing!
Another wedding for a great friend in August.
Kickboxing to jump-start my getting in shape.
A fun trip to Key West.
I bought a house...and despite months of agony and stress, I eventually got settled into my home.
I started running.
House concert with Rachel Platten to break in the new place!
Built a deck w/ my dad.
Joined a soccer league.
Adventure race and 5K races...and more running.
My brother returned from Korea.
Sprained my hand.
Hosted Thanksgiving at my house.
Neighborhood meet-and-greet events, parties, etc. to remind me that I'm home.
Trinity Anglican Mission is still an awesome church...I always enjoy working in the Cafe each month and being a part of this church family.
I can run 5 miles straight for the first time in years.
Christmas parties and soon the holiday season at home with the whole family.
It was a year of engagements, weddings, new friends, rekindling old friendships, broken friendships, and so much more. Time passes, we grow, we move on... We let go of the past and hold on for what the next year has in store.
This is just what I could come up w/ now...what a year. It definitely ended on a better note than it began. Praise God for that! :)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Actively waiting...my thoughts on Advent
Well, it's that time of year when I expect myself to be a complete mess. Ah, the holiday season. For me, it always seems to have turned into a stressful experience for the past few years, but not for the reasons most stress out during the holidays. I'm not concerned with getting my shopping done. I don't have a lot of family to visit or people to see or any more things to do than usual. For me, it's stressful because it is a dark season, in a way. Advent is the season of waiting...waiting for hope, for salvation, for Christ. Anyone who knows me well knows that waiting is not something I do well (it's even the inspiration behind my "Hold On" tattoo), but then again, how many of us are capable of waiting these days...we are a world of instant gratification. The concept of waiting, truly waiting on God, is lost on most.
I do my best to get into the spirit of the season by trying to wrap my head around Advent in a way that makes sense to me. The literal concept of a young, pregnant Mary and all that surrounded her at the time is difficult for me to grasp, though I do believe it wholeheartedly. For me, the spirit of the season isn't found in the manger or in the three wise men and the donkeys and such. The Spirit is found in the journey. The journey takes the concept of waiting and makes it active, rather than passive. As children, the concept of what it means to wait is displayed to us as a passive experience..."wait your turn," simply means to be still, don't move, chill out, and wait. As adults, waiting this way makes us antsy. I don't know of any adults who enjoy passively waiting in a doctor's office (but it is what it is, eh).
I feel like the type of waiting represented during Advent is an active waiting. Mary didn't just stop, stand still, and say, "okay, I'll sit back doing nothing until the baby Messiah decides to be born." She was given the good news, and the journey then began! Just like the people who had been waiting for the Messiah didn't sit still waiting for Him to come to them, she moved on in anticipation of His arrival. This kind of waiting is honestly the kind of waiting that has helped me through a lot of my impatient tendencies. Waiting is active! What a concept! Waiting doesn't mean to sit, stay, and expect God to fall in your lap whenever He's ready. Waiting means to move forward, engage with others and with Him, anticipating His everlasting presence in your life.
Does this mean that by actively engaging in the waiting process things will happen any quicker? I highly doubt it. If that were the case, I wouldn't be one of the last remaining single ladies I know (that's where I first became aware of what it was to actively wait...I blogged about it then too). The benefit of actively waiting is that we can find solace and peace as we grow through an experience we may otherwise just find frustrating. During the Advent season that means that we become fully engaged in Him throughout the season, rather than being distracted by shopping, traveling, decorating, etc. Maybe it's easier for me to take this approach since I don't have in-laws or children or whatever to distract me. I have work, church, time with friends, and then a few days with my immediate family. It's not much, but it's my life.
I'll be honest, the purpose of this blog was actually completely different from what came out. It's funny how attempting to write what we think sometimes turns into discovery. I was going to write about struggles with the holiday hustle and bustle, but by mid-way through my spiel above, I realized I have no reason to struggle. I have no reason to worry. I only have reason to feel joy. Even better...I am healthier now than I've been in the past few holiday seasons. A year ago I began getting sick (and stayed that way off and on for almost 6 months), and 2 years ago I could barely walk 10 feet after my surgery. Today, I can run 5 miles. Yeah, I have no reason to worry...I have no reason to be impatient. Maybe the past few years have been a struggle, and maybe the current year has had it's ups and downs. However, the moment I begin to actively engage in waiting and walking with Him, the downs don't seem so bad because the ups give a little bit of extra fuel for the journey.
I do my best to get into the spirit of the season by trying to wrap my head around Advent in a way that makes sense to me. The literal concept of a young, pregnant Mary and all that surrounded her at the time is difficult for me to grasp, though I do believe it wholeheartedly. For me, the spirit of the season isn't found in the manger or in the three wise men and the donkeys and such. The Spirit is found in the journey. The journey takes the concept of waiting and makes it active, rather than passive. As children, the concept of what it means to wait is displayed to us as a passive experience..."wait your turn," simply means to be still, don't move, chill out, and wait. As adults, waiting this way makes us antsy. I don't know of any adults who enjoy passively waiting in a doctor's office (but it is what it is, eh).
I feel like the type of waiting represented during Advent is an active waiting. Mary didn't just stop, stand still, and say, "okay, I'll sit back doing nothing until the baby Messiah decides to be born." She was given the good news, and the journey then began! Just like the people who had been waiting for the Messiah didn't sit still waiting for Him to come to them, she moved on in anticipation of His arrival. This kind of waiting is honestly the kind of waiting that has helped me through a lot of my impatient tendencies. Waiting is active! What a concept! Waiting doesn't mean to sit, stay, and expect God to fall in your lap whenever He's ready. Waiting means to move forward, engage with others and with Him, anticipating His everlasting presence in your life.
Does this mean that by actively engaging in the waiting process things will happen any quicker? I highly doubt it. If that were the case, I wouldn't be one of the last remaining single ladies I know (that's where I first became aware of what it was to actively wait...I blogged about it then too). The benefit of actively waiting is that we can find solace and peace as we grow through an experience we may otherwise just find frustrating. During the Advent season that means that we become fully engaged in Him throughout the season, rather than being distracted by shopping, traveling, decorating, etc. Maybe it's easier for me to take this approach since I don't have in-laws or children or whatever to distract me. I have work, church, time with friends, and then a few days with my immediate family. It's not much, but it's my life.
I'll be honest, the purpose of this blog was actually completely different from what came out. It's funny how attempting to write what we think sometimes turns into discovery. I was going to write about struggles with the holiday hustle and bustle, but by mid-way through my spiel above, I realized I have no reason to struggle. I have no reason to worry. I only have reason to feel joy. Even better...I am healthier now than I've been in the past few holiday seasons. A year ago I began getting sick (and stayed that way off and on for almost 6 months), and 2 years ago I could barely walk 10 feet after my surgery. Today, I can run 5 miles. Yeah, I have no reason to worry...I have no reason to be impatient. Maybe the past few years have been a struggle, and maybe the current year has had it's ups and downs. However, the moment I begin to actively engage in waiting and walking with Him, the downs don't seem so bad because the ups give a little bit of extra fuel for the journey.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Remember, Remember the Month of November
Ok, despite the fact that I have a sprained hand and it's very difficult to type, I feel the need to blog b/c it's been a while. I always tend to write a little bit more often this time of year, November in particular. In the past decade, this has just proven to be a fairly dramatic and/or eventful time of year for me. Both good and bad, stuff happens this time of year in my life.
It's funny though. A few years ago, when I first discovered this trend, different events stood out in my mind than stand out now. Maybe that's a sign that I am losing my mind, or maybe it's a sign of growth.
Ten years ago, at age 19, I entered into what would turn out to be one of the toughest, most challenging periods in my young adult life. It eventually led to a lot of growth in myself, and I still remember every detail of the day it began, despite the fact that for most of the month of November in 2001, I was living in a haze and barely remember anything else.
A few years later, at age 21, as a new student at Ga Tech, I was entering a new phase of my life. What I remember from that November seemed insignificant at the time, but then there's the fact that, 8 years later, I still remember it now. I had just started going to Bible studies and had just attended at Christian retreat. I was hanging out with some friends who I'd hung out with prior to finding my way to Bible studies, when a few of them started calling me a "bible-thumper" (bc I was still not a pot smoker and now admitted that I liked the Bible). I was offended by it, and I actually resented the title so much. I was more concerned by what a group of pot-smoking friends called me than with anything else.
A year later, I'd dropped the name-callers and hung onto the Bible studies. I was baptized in November 2004 at that year's retreat. The following year, in 2005, I spoke at the same Christian retreat. I was no longer too concerned with being called a "bible-thumper" by people who didn't know the Bible from the dictionary.
In 2006, November was a time of transition and figuring out what to do with my life. I was substitute teaching (enjoying it and feeling more at home in a classroom than I ever would have imagined), trying to raise money to be a campus ministry intern in Mexico, and wondering when I'd use my Architecture degree... It the time in my life where all I'd known as a dependent student overlapped with my future, that of an independent adult.
The next few years weren't particularly nuts...though, if you'd asked me a couple of years ago, I am sure I would have found significance in events that I've since let go. The craziness of November returned in 2009 in the form of my tumor (see previous Nov blogs if you don't know about Leroy).
Two years ago, November was a month of fear, worry, faith, and growth. I had discovered that I had a huge tumor at the end of October, and throughout the month of November I faced fear and anxiety over my health, my future, and everything surrounding a scary surgery.
Last November was simply one of reflection... a time to remember how grateful I am to be healthy and that the previous November led to a great time of recovery.
This November...I made my first ever mortgage payment. I signed up for my first triathlon. I am finishing my first soccer season since high school. Despite having sprained my hand, this November seems to have great potential to make up for that one when I had the tumor ;)
So, as you can see, somehow November has always been quite a memorable month for me.
It's funny though. A few years ago, when I first discovered this trend, different events stood out in my mind than stand out now. Maybe that's a sign that I am losing my mind, or maybe it's a sign of growth.
Ten years ago, at age 19, I entered into what would turn out to be one of the toughest, most challenging periods in my young adult life. It eventually led to a lot of growth in myself, and I still remember every detail of the day it began, despite the fact that for most of the month of November in 2001, I was living in a haze and barely remember anything else.
A few years later, at age 21, as a new student at Ga Tech, I was entering a new phase of my life. What I remember from that November seemed insignificant at the time, but then there's the fact that, 8 years later, I still remember it now. I had just started going to Bible studies and had just attended at Christian retreat. I was hanging out with some friends who I'd hung out with prior to finding my way to Bible studies, when a few of them started calling me a "bible-thumper" (bc I was still not a pot smoker and now admitted that I liked the Bible). I was offended by it, and I actually resented the title so much. I was more concerned by what a group of pot-smoking friends called me than with anything else.
A year later, I'd dropped the name-callers and hung onto the Bible studies. I was baptized in November 2004 at that year's retreat. The following year, in 2005, I spoke at the same Christian retreat. I was no longer too concerned with being called a "bible-thumper" by people who didn't know the Bible from the dictionary.
In 2006, November was a time of transition and figuring out what to do with my life. I was substitute teaching (enjoying it and feeling more at home in a classroom than I ever would have imagined), trying to raise money to be a campus ministry intern in Mexico, and wondering when I'd use my Architecture degree... It the time in my life where all I'd known as a dependent student overlapped with my future, that of an independent adult.
The next few years weren't particularly nuts...though, if you'd asked me a couple of years ago, I am sure I would have found significance in events that I've since let go. The craziness of November returned in 2009 in the form of my tumor (see previous Nov blogs if you don't know about Leroy).
Two years ago, November was a month of fear, worry, faith, and growth. I had discovered that I had a huge tumor at the end of October, and throughout the month of November I faced fear and anxiety over my health, my future, and everything surrounding a scary surgery.
Last November was simply one of reflection... a time to remember how grateful I am to be healthy and that the previous November led to a great time of recovery.
This November...I made my first ever mortgage payment. I signed up for my first triathlon. I am finishing my first soccer season since high school. Despite having sprained my hand, this November seems to have great potential to make up for that one when I had the tumor ;)
So, as you can see, somehow November has always been quite a memorable month for me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Patience is my new home
If I had to describe my home-buying experience in one word, I'd say @*&#%! No, really... "patience" is the word. I think the past few months require a lot more words than one, but seeing as I am one of the least patient people you'll ever meet...patience is the word that stands out. I'm a bit high-strung and anxious when it comes to certain things. Buying a home is one of those anxiety-inducing experiences, for sure. Now, there was a time when I'd have been a complete basket-case throughout such a long, drawn out process. That time was this past summer. I have been slightly more out-of-it than usual for the past few months. I've been pretty up-front about the overall reason, simply that buying this house was one of the biggest headaches I could've imagined voluntarily bringing on myself.
On January 29, 2011, I met with my Realtor for the first time (the same day 3 houses on my street burned, actually)...about a block and a half down the street from where I was living at the time in Adair Park. This was the first of many Saturdays spent hopping from house to house, but the more I looked the more I was convinced that I wanted to buy in Adair Park. Patience was waiting until I found the right home for me.
Sometime in mid-March, I was told about a not-yet-listed property on my street that fit what I'd been looking for. I added it to my list of houses and looked at it along w/ a few others one Saturday in late March. I even took some photos and emailed to my parents b/c it was by far my favorite house I'd seen, despite the fact that it was only 80% finished with renovations (it was a mess inside). By early April, my Realtor and I had started communicating with the seller about the details of what this house would look like once finished, and when that would be. Patience meant that I had to kind of let go of control, let the seller/contractors do their work, and wait for the right time to jump.
The first week in May, I made an offer on the house (which was still not complete or on the market). We knew it'd take a while to get a response, but I was willing to wait...after all, I was renting just down the road, so I was already in the neighborhood I loved. After 6 weeks of waiting (and pretty much assuming it'd never happen), I got a counter offer. By June 17, 2011, I was under contract on the house, and the closing date was set at August 19th. Patience, at this point, was waiting so long each step of the way.
By late July, I'd told my landlord (who had been wonderful to let us continue on a monthly basis as long as I gave him plenty of notice to move out) that all was moving forward and I would be moving into my new house at the end of August. At this point, the construction was set to be finished by the end of July, maybe early August, so there'd be plenty of time to close and get moved in before my old lease was up. About a week into August, things got a bit more stressful. I found out that my closing date wasn't likely to happen, but we were assured by the seller that I would be in my new home by the end of the month. That was good b/c my previous house had already been rented out for the following month. Then, I found out I wouldn't be closing in August. Luckily, my Realtor was able to work out a temporary occupancy agreement b/c, otherwise, I'd be homeless until closing. Patience, now, meant that I just had to trust that things would work out... I could do nothing about it.
On August 28th, I moved into the new house...no running water, no A/C, no gas hook-up, and numerous other items were unfinished. In the next few weeks, contractors came and went, things slowly got done. I faced constant ups and downs regarding the house and the financing (every time dates change, they flipped out and needed more info from me). My second closing date (Sept 16) came and went, and I was only a little bit surprised that it didn't happen by then. Then, Sept 30 was set as the final closing date...last Friday. I was SO ready (and rightfully so), and it worked out well b/c I had a house concert planned for the next day. Great timing. I'd learned by now that patience meant not getting angry or upset when things don't work out quite as perfectly as planned.
Two days before I was supposed to close (again), I was informed that there were still a few hold-ups. Seriously? I didn't stress, I just pressed on. I knew it would happen eventually. Then, finally... today, Oct 5, 2011, I sat down in a law office and signed my life away. I closed on the house around noon today. So, the battle that began about 6 months ago has finally come to a close. Patience... patience has been the biggest lesson, and one of the hardest, I have learned in a long time.
I honestly cannot remember the last time I waited patiently for anything for this long...I've had to wait, yes, but not patiently. In this situation, there was so little that I could do. So, I just waited. I prayed. I answered questions the best I could without getting too upset about the situation. I simply waited, and it was worth it.
On January 29, 2011, I met with my Realtor for the first time (the same day 3 houses on my street burned, actually)...about a block and a half down the street from where I was living at the time in Adair Park. This was the first of many Saturdays spent hopping from house to house, but the more I looked the more I was convinced that I wanted to buy in Adair Park. Patience was waiting until I found the right home for me.
Sometime in mid-March, I was told about a not-yet-listed property on my street that fit what I'd been looking for. I added it to my list of houses and looked at it along w/ a few others one Saturday in late March. I even took some photos and emailed to my parents b/c it was by far my favorite house I'd seen, despite the fact that it was only 80% finished with renovations (it was a mess inside). By early April, my Realtor and I had started communicating with the seller about the details of what this house would look like once finished, and when that would be. Patience meant that I had to kind of let go of control, let the seller/contractors do their work, and wait for the right time to jump.
The first week in May, I made an offer on the house (which was still not complete or on the market). We knew it'd take a while to get a response, but I was willing to wait...after all, I was renting just down the road, so I was already in the neighborhood I loved. After 6 weeks of waiting (and pretty much assuming it'd never happen), I got a counter offer. By June 17, 2011, I was under contract on the house, and the closing date was set at August 19th. Patience, at this point, was waiting so long each step of the way.
By late July, I'd told my landlord (who had been wonderful to let us continue on a monthly basis as long as I gave him plenty of notice to move out) that all was moving forward and I would be moving into my new house at the end of August. At this point, the construction was set to be finished by the end of July, maybe early August, so there'd be plenty of time to close and get moved in before my old lease was up. About a week into August, things got a bit more stressful. I found out that my closing date wasn't likely to happen, but we were assured by the seller that I would be in my new home by the end of the month. That was good b/c my previous house had already been rented out for the following month. Then, I found out I wouldn't be closing in August. Luckily, my Realtor was able to work out a temporary occupancy agreement b/c, otherwise, I'd be homeless until closing. Patience, now, meant that I just had to trust that things would work out... I could do nothing about it.
On August 28th, I moved into the new house...no running water, no A/C, no gas hook-up, and numerous other items were unfinished. In the next few weeks, contractors came and went, things slowly got done. I faced constant ups and downs regarding the house and the financing (every time dates change, they flipped out and needed more info from me). My second closing date (Sept 16) came and went, and I was only a little bit surprised that it didn't happen by then. Then, Sept 30 was set as the final closing date...last Friday. I was SO ready (and rightfully so), and it worked out well b/c I had a house concert planned for the next day. Great timing. I'd learned by now that patience meant not getting angry or upset when things don't work out quite as perfectly as planned.
Two days before I was supposed to close (again), I was informed that there were still a few hold-ups. Seriously? I didn't stress, I just pressed on. I knew it would happen eventually. Then, finally... today, Oct 5, 2011, I sat down in a law office and signed my life away. I closed on the house around noon today. So, the battle that began about 6 months ago has finally come to a close. Patience... patience has been the biggest lesson, and one of the hardest, I have learned in a long time.
I honestly cannot remember the last time I waited patiently for anything for this long...I've had to wait, yes, but not patiently. In this situation, there was so little that I could do. So, I just waited. I prayed. I answered questions the best I could without getting too upset about the situation. I simply waited, and it was worth it.
Monday, September 26, 2011
simply, grace
I am sometimes overwhelmed by God's grace. It's a concept I don't understand, and in my pride, I have a hard time grasping what it really means to be covered by His grace. I found myself feeling really weak recently, and in my wandering, I came across some well-known passages in the bible about weakness. Over and over, I read how Christ's strength overflows in my weakness. This is where grace amazes and overwhelms me. I cannot for the life of me grasp how big His love is. I am a logical kind of person. Logically, when I screw up or show my weakness, I deserve nothing. However, instead of nothing, I get more than enough...I get grace and I am made whole. The deeper my pit of insufficiency goes, the more His grace and strength is poured in. That makes no sense, yet it is. Worldly logic is so upside down, yet I fall into the trap of trying to fit God into a small box built from my limited understanding of grace and love. Hallelujah that He won't stay in my little box.
I am so overly logical that when it comes to my feeling insufficient, I googled "grace of God" simply in attempt to find commentary to tell me what to think and how to respond to His grace. It turns out, the only way I can really respond is to just bow down to His bigness. In my google search about God's grace (seriously, I literally googled it), I came across some great definitions. I think this is my absolute favorite:
"Grace is God's unmerited favor. That is, grace is God doing good for us that we do not deserve. In the Bible, grace and mercy are like two heads of the same coin. Mercy is God withholding judgment or evil that I deserve; grace is God giving me blessing or good that I do not deserve. Because of God's mercy, I do not receive the judgment of God against my sins; because of God's grace, I receive eternal life and a promise of heaven though I do not deserve them. Both mercy and grace come to me though the Lord Jesus Christ." (from http://www.learnthebible.org/what-is-grace.html)
Wow. I'm not gonna lie, even having grown up in the church and having been a Christian for quite some time, it still amazes me to be reminded of His grace. When life is chaotic and nothing makes sense, He still is. I deserve nothing, yet I have everything. I am nothing, and He is my everything.
I'm not even sure what the point of this blog post was other than to just revel in the basic nerdy analysis of God's grace. I am where I am and have what I have simply by the grace of a wonderful God. Amen.
I am so overly logical that when it comes to my feeling insufficient, I googled "grace of God" simply in attempt to find commentary to tell me what to think and how to respond to His grace. It turns out, the only way I can really respond is to just bow down to His bigness. In my google search about God's grace (seriously, I literally googled it), I came across some great definitions. I think this is my absolute favorite:
"Grace is God's unmerited favor. That is, grace is God doing good for us that we do not deserve. In the Bible, grace and mercy are like two heads of the same coin. Mercy is God withholding judgment or evil that I deserve; grace is God giving me blessing or good that I do not deserve. Because of God's mercy, I do not receive the judgment of God against my sins; because of God's grace, I receive eternal life and a promise of heaven though I do not deserve them. Both mercy and grace come to me though the Lord Jesus Christ." (from http://www.learnthebible.org/what-is-grace.html)
Wow. I'm not gonna lie, even having grown up in the church and having been a Christian for quite some time, it still amazes me to be reminded of His grace. When life is chaotic and nothing makes sense, He still is. I deserve nothing, yet I have everything. I am nothing, and He is my everything.
I'm not even sure what the point of this blog post was other than to just revel in the basic nerdy analysis of God's grace. I am where I am and have what I have simply by the grace of a wonderful God. Amen.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Update...house, vacation, holding on and letting go.
For those who haven't really been sure what's going on lately (or haven't kept track of my constant Facebook posts), I decided to write a bit of an update blog. As is typical, when life happens, it really happens a LOT.
In the past couple of weeks I've moved, gone on vacation, stressed myself out, and slept an average of maybe 3-4 hours/night at the most. Two weeks ago this Saturday, I moved into my new house. No, I'm not a homeowner yet...in fact, I'm not scheduled to close on the house until next Friday (if I'm lucky). I'm trying to have a good attitude about this, but let me just explain the conditions I moved in on. Day 1: no running water, no A/C, no gas meter, windows weren't sealed up, a broken pane of glass in one window still remains, and my butler's pantry millwork (that's been a huge debate anyway) was still not there. Luckily, I've been blessed with some awesome friends who helped me out all day Saturday hanging blinds in the front room, putting up a mailbox, unpacking some of the kitchen stuff, etc. Just getting things ready for the big move Sunday.
Movers showed up to the old house down the street that Sunday to move everything my roommate and I could get them to fit into the truck. I have a lot of stuff [junk]. By Sunday evening, the new house was overloaded with boxes and furniture, and I still had no A/C or running water, etc. Sunday night, we still inaugurated the new house with a front porch night w/ drinks and pizza and neighbors. Despite the madness, I felt blessed. Even more proof of how blessed I am, my roommate and I were both offered up places to sleep by neighbors/friends since the new house was lacking in basic levels of comfort. By last Tuesday evening, we had running water but still no A/C, so we still stayed w/ neighbors that night...I didn't sleep well for days and broke my college record by staying awake for 67 hours. On Wednesday my security system was installed, and that night was my first night in the new house (still a mess of boxes and junk). I slept in the floor in the living room, the only room w/ blinds for privacy.
Luckily, I had a nice 5-day vacation from the slightly unlivable conditions in my new house. I went to the Florida Keys w/ some ridiculously fun friends from Valdosta. I spent the long Labor Day weekend on a boat, out in Key West, cutting loose, and having a great time. It was a blessing to be able to get away b/c I really don't know how much more of that mess I could handle. I got the chance to relax on a tiny, deserted island off the coast of one of the Keys w/ a couple of girls from the group while the rest of the crew went off in the boat again. Knee deep in the water, I was in paradise. I was able to escape the worries that had bogged me down for weeks. I knew that eventually I'd be back in Atlanta and stressed out, but for a moment, I was still and at peace. I was relaxed.
I wore myself out on vacation, of course, and the second I sat down on the plane Monday afternoon, I fell asleep (no lie, I was out). When I landed, the doom that lied ahead was apparent by the icky weather outside. When I left Atlanta, it was still hot and sunny (just like I like it), and I spent 5 days in gorgeous, warm South Florida sunshine. I returned to dreary, rainy cold. I found it ironic that the first night in my house w/ a working A/C was cold enough that I didn't even need the A/C. I've spent the last 2 nights sleeping on the couch still b/c my room still looks more like a storage unit than a bedroom, and I have no blinds on my windows still. It's so hard to get motivated in these conditions. I don't know where to begin, but I know I have to start somewhere if I'm ever going to feel at home.
I know the home-buying process is difficult for everyone, or at least I assume it is. I even hear stories about other people's experiences, etc. Unfortunately, these stories about newlyweds' first home purchases going awry doesn't comfort me. I haven't heard many (if any) stories about single women, on their own, hitting brick walls like this. It's been a complex situation, to say the least, and I feel like I've been fighting it all on my own with no ammo. I know it'll be worth the work and the pain and the stress once I can finally say, "this is my home." However, until that time, I'm just continuing to wear myself out. Daily, I doubt if this will ever actually happen. How long do I have to live in a house I don't own? I've put so much money into just the basics (security, blinds, basic appliances/accessories, etc). I can't turn back now, but I can't move forward either.
For most of the past few months, I've found myself taking deep breaths and glancing down at my "Let go" tattoo...I had to let go of control over this situation over and over. I had to let go of stress coming at me from so many different directions. Recently, I've found myself switching to the "Hold on" side of things. I've been fighting so hard to let go, and I was able to let go of my illusion of control. However, now I am fighting the urge to give up. When you've had a lot of big things almost happen but fall through at the last minute, it's really hard to believe something as big as owning a home will actually happen. I want so badly to just give up and walk away b/c the stress has been awful. I just want a good night's sleep again...just once a week even. Instead, I am reminding myself to hold on. It'll be alright again, I just need to remember to hold on when I feel like giving up.
and now one more photo of my fav part of the new house... I Love Lucy decor in my kitchen!
In the past couple of weeks I've moved, gone on vacation, stressed myself out, and slept an average of maybe 3-4 hours/night at the most. Two weeks ago this Saturday, I moved into my new house. No, I'm not a homeowner yet...in fact, I'm not scheduled to close on the house until next Friday (if I'm lucky). I'm trying to have a good attitude about this, but let me just explain the conditions I moved in on. Day 1: no running water, no A/C, no gas meter, windows weren't sealed up, a broken pane of glass in one window still remains, and my butler's pantry millwork (that's been a huge debate anyway) was still not there. Luckily, I've been blessed with some awesome friends who helped me out all day Saturday hanging blinds in the front room, putting up a mailbox, unpacking some of the kitchen stuff, etc. Just getting things ready for the big move Sunday.
Movers showed up to the old house down the street that Sunday to move everything my roommate and I could get them to fit into the truck. I have a lot of stuff [junk]. By Sunday evening, the new house was overloaded with boxes and furniture, and I still had no A/C or running water, etc. Sunday night, we still inaugurated the new house with a front porch night w/ drinks and pizza and neighbors. Despite the madness, I felt blessed. Even more proof of how blessed I am, my roommate and I were both offered up places to sleep by neighbors/friends since the new house was lacking in basic levels of comfort. By last Tuesday evening, we had running water but still no A/C, so we still stayed w/ neighbors that night...I didn't sleep well for days and broke my college record by staying awake for 67 hours. On Wednesday my security system was installed, and that night was my first night in the new house (still a mess of boxes and junk). I slept in the floor in the living room, the only room w/ blinds for privacy.
Luckily, I had a nice 5-day vacation from the slightly unlivable conditions in my new house. I went to the Florida Keys w/ some ridiculously fun friends from Valdosta. I spent the long Labor Day weekend on a boat, out in Key West, cutting loose, and having a great time. It was a blessing to be able to get away b/c I really don't know how much more of that mess I could handle. I got the chance to relax on a tiny, deserted island off the coast of one of the Keys w/ a couple of girls from the group while the rest of the crew went off in the boat again. Knee deep in the water, I was in paradise. I was able to escape the worries that had bogged me down for weeks. I knew that eventually I'd be back in Atlanta and stressed out, but for a moment, I was still and at peace. I was relaxed.
I wore myself out on vacation, of course, and the second I sat down on the plane Monday afternoon, I fell asleep (no lie, I was out). When I landed, the doom that lied ahead was apparent by the icky weather outside. When I left Atlanta, it was still hot and sunny (just like I like it), and I spent 5 days in gorgeous, warm South Florida sunshine. I returned to dreary, rainy cold. I found it ironic that the first night in my house w/ a working A/C was cold enough that I didn't even need the A/C. I've spent the last 2 nights sleeping on the couch still b/c my room still looks more like a storage unit than a bedroom, and I have no blinds on my windows still. It's so hard to get motivated in these conditions. I don't know where to begin, but I know I have to start somewhere if I'm ever going to feel at home.
I know the home-buying process is difficult for everyone, or at least I assume it is. I even hear stories about other people's experiences, etc. Unfortunately, these stories about newlyweds' first home purchases going awry doesn't comfort me. I haven't heard many (if any) stories about single women, on their own, hitting brick walls like this. It's been a complex situation, to say the least, and I feel like I've been fighting it all on my own with no ammo. I know it'll be worth the work and the pain and the stress once I can finally say, "this is my home." However, until that time, I'm just continuing to wear myself out. Daily, I doubt if this will ever actually happen. How long do I have to live in a house I don't own? I've put so much money into just the basics (security, blinds, basic appliances/accessories, etc). I can't turn back now, but I can't move forward either.
For most of the past few months, I've found myself taking deep breaths and glancing down at my "Let go" tattoo...I had to let go of control over this situation over and over. I had to let go of stress coming at me from so many different directions. Recently, I've found myself switching to the "Hold on" side of things. I've been fighting so hard to let go, and I was able to let go of my illusion of control. However, now I am fighting the urge to give up. When you've had a lot of big things almost happen but fall through at the last minute, it's really hard to believe something as big as owning a home will actually happen. I want so badly to just give up and walk away b/c the stress has been awful. I just want a good night's sleep again...just once a week even. Instead, I am reminding myself to hold on. It'll be alright again, I just need to remember to hold on when I feel like giving up.
and now one more photo of my fav part of the new house... I Love Lucy decor in my kitchen!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Getting Started...pre-pre-training Week 1
Well, I figure the first steps in training for anything (whether a 5k, 10k, adventure race, or triathlon) is to just get started. I'm not always great at getting started in the best ways. So, I did what I know I'm good at...I made a schedule. I've broken it down into Training, Pre-Training, and Pre-Pre-Training :)
I know that most sprint triathlon training schedules are around 16-20 weeks long, which would get me prepped if I wanted to do a January triathlon. Hmm, timing was a bit off. So, I'm going to do some pre-training for a few weeks prior to training. I would probably have a hard time consistently swimming/running/biking the week-one times right now anyway. In fact, right now, I'd be lucky if I could run a mile without feeling as if I'd been punched straight in the lungs. I haven't biked much since I wrecked my old bike on a major road about 4 years ago. As far as swimming goes, I have never done it for any reason other than recreation! This could be interesting...
This week I decided to boost my motivation by starting with some fun stuff and make myself feel confident about training soon...I'm calling this week and next my pre-pre-training weeks. I recently bought a livingsocial voucher for 2 weeks of kickboxing fitness classes, and last night I went to my first class. I spent about 7 weeks doing the Insanity workout last fall, and it was intense. A couple of weeks ago, I did a few of my Insanity videos just for a good intense workout, and during that class yesterday, I was SO grateful that I'd prepped by doing some Insanity! That was the most intense fitness class I've ever attended, and it was awesome!
I'm sore today, and tomorrow will be worse. So, I won't be back to class until Thursday and again Saturday. After my 2 weeks is up, I hope to have attended 6-7 total classes, which should put me in good shape to start pre-training. The following 3-4 weeks, I will repeat the same weekly training routine, and by the last week, I hope to be consistent with the times and ready to move on to week 2. My light running days just happen to coincide with soccer Mondays, which is perfect! I can easily get a 12-24 minute run in during soccer (or before/after). Now THAT is how you make training fun!
I've also decided to set up some benchmarks along the way. The sprint triathlon I really want to do is not until June 2012. It's the Iron Girl, which just sounds awesome. I have a short attention span, so I need benchmarks between now and then to keep me going and keep me interested. The first is the Muck Run (5k adventure race) on Oct 15th. I'm already getting excited to be in decent shape for that. I am hoping to find a Christmas-themed race (maybe even back home in Valdosta) in December. The next benchmark will be a mid-winter one, so it won't be easy to find a good race. Hopefully, if I've been consistently training, I'll be up for anything by then. With my training schedule, that's when I'll be ready for a sprint triathlon. Maybe I can find a duathlon.
A huge part of training is also diet. I'm not always a healthy eater, especially when it comes to getting all the proper nutrients I need. Today I am starting my training diet. I'm sure I'll waver a good bit from time to time, but the goal is to be as consistent as possible with eating proper, balanced meals.
Next on my to-do list for training is to get the right equipment...bike helmet and tri-suit are really all I need. Getting the tri-suit is cheaper than buying a swimsuit, running shorts, bike shorts, etc. all separately. Plus, tri-suits look bad-a, so maybe I'll even take myself seriously! Now, fingers crossed, prayers raised...I can do this. I will do this.
I know that most sprint triathlon training schedules are around 16-20 weeks long, which would get me prepped if I wanted to do a January triathlon. Hmm, timing was a bit off. So, I'm going to do some pre-training for a few weeks prior to training. I would probably have a hard time consistently swimming/running/biking the week-one times right now anyway. In fact, right now, I'd be lucky if I could run a mile without feeling as if I'd been punched straight in the lungs. I haven't biked much since I wrecked my old bike on a major road about 4 years ago. As far as swimming goes, I have never done it for any reason other than recreation! This could be interesting...
This week I decided to boost my motivation by starting with some fun stuff and make myself feel confident about training soon...I'm calling this week and next my pre-pre-training weeks. I recently bought a livingsocial voucher for 2 weeks of kickboxing fitness classes, and last night I went to my first class. I spent about 7 weeks doing the Insanity workout last fall, and it was intense. A couple of weeks ago, I did a few of my Insanity videos just for a good intense workout, and during that class yesterday, I was SO grateful that I'd prepped by doing some Insanity! That was the most intense fitness class I've ever attended, and it was awesome!
I'm sore today, and tomorrow will be worse. So, I won't be back to class until Thursday and again Saturday. After my 2 weeks is up, I hope to have attended 6-7 total classes, which should put me in good shape to start pre-training. The following 3-4 weeks, I will repeat the same weekly training routine, and by the last week, I hope to be consistent with the times and ready to move on to week 2. My light running days just happen to coincide with soccer Mondays, which is perfect! I can easily get a 12-24 minute run in during soccer (or before/after). Now THAT is how you make training fun!
I've also decided to set up some benchmarks along the way. The sprint triathlon I really want to do is not until June 2012. It's the Iron Girl, which just sounds awesome. I have a short attention span, so I need benchmarks between now and then to keep me going and keep me interested. The first is the Muck Run (5k adventure race) on Oct 15th. I'm already getting excited to be in decent shape for that. I am hoping to find a Christmas-themed race (maybe even back home in Valdosta) in December. The next benchmark will be a mid-winter one, so it won't be easy to find a good race. Hopefully, if I've been consistently training, I'll be up for anything by then. With my training schedule, that's when I'll be ready for a sprint triathlon. Maybe I can find a duathlon.
A huge part of training is also diet. I'm not always a healthy eater, especially when it comes to getting all the proper nutrients I need. Today I am starting my training diet. I'm sure I'll waver a good bit from time to time, but the goal is to be as consistent as possible with eating proper, balanced meals.
Next on my to-do list for training is to get the right equipment...bike helmet and tri-suit are really all I need. Getting the tri-suit is cheaper than buying a swimsuit, running shorts, bike shorts, etc. all separately. Plus, tri-suits look bad-a, so maybe I'll even take myself seriously! Now, fingers crossed, prayers raised...I can do this. I will do this.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I'm a dreamer.
I'm a dreamer. Let me just start by stating the obvious. I have a tendency to dream big, but when the time comes to apply myself, I have been known to very rarely actually follow through and accomplish a lot of what I set out to do. Now, I could sit back and say that this is a factor of ADD that I've come to accept, but I won't. It is a very "ADD-like" thing, but it is the one ADD-related trait that I do not intend to just accept. I am going to go ahead and say that now that I'm aware of this tendency, I am sure I can do something about it. You can go read my old blog posts for proof of my dropped dreams. In fact, I have even previously resolved to not be this way. Well, over a year after that resolution, I'm seriously gonna do it this time. I hope.
So, what's different? Well, for one thing, I am finally watching one of those potentially far-fetched dreams come true for myself. Granted, it's not been an easy road. In fact, it's been one of the most daunting, stressful processes, but becoming a homeowner is worth it. I am supposed to close on my house in less than 2 weeks. I can't back out now, so this is for real! Not only is it real, it's also a bit inspiring. So many dropped dreams along the way have led me to believe that it doesn't matter how much I want something, chances are it still won't happen. The first huge example was out of my hands...some know the story of me failing to raise nearly enough funding to be an intern at a campus ministry in Mexico. It's a long story, but basically, that set off a pattern of supposed failure in my life. In the few years to follow, I felt like every time I really wanted to do something (a dream, of sorts), something got in my way and I gave up.
Well, for the first time in the almost 5 years since that happened, I am seeing something huge actually come to fruition. Nearly 4 months after deciding to make an offer on the house, I am finally going to be a homeowner. I still have a hard time believing it myself...I don't think it will seem real until I have the keys in my hand. Until then, I will have doubts. Even now, I have a hard time believing that it's really happening. I keep saying "if" instead of "when."
Anyway, I am a dreamer. For years I have come up with dreams that I wanted to pursue, and nothing ever seems to come of it. I have finally decided that the only reason things don't happen is because I tend to get in over my head. I decide that I want to do something RIGHT NOW, and then I get frustrated when I don't have the resources or whatever it takes to make big things happen fast. This time, I really do want to do it right, but I'm concerned w/ my propensity to take on too much too fast and have extreme expectations. In the past few years I have dreamed BIG...and I still have a heart for a lot of what I went after, but I had to accept that the timing was just not right.
My current dream is that I want to race,and the dream is not just the race itself, the process along the way is the biggest part. I want to do a legit race before I turn 30. I've decided to start training for a sprint triathlon (a shorter distance than regular triathlon), during which time I also want to do some smaller races like 5Ks or adventure races. I don't love running, but I love the feeling of being able to run. I want to be in the kind of shape where if I decide last minute to play soccer or something, I can do it w/o struggling. On top of my training dream here, I've also incorporated my desire to play soccer again. I want to join a league if I can, but to begin with, I have decided to start playing pick-up games w/ some people once a week. That can easily become part of my training if I commit. The reason I think I can make these things happen is b/c other people will rely on me. I will be doing training with at least one (maybe two) other friends. Soccer will involve other people, and we'll rely on one another to show up so there are enough people to play.
What makes this goal stand out even more than the others is because, going in, I know that I can do it. I also know that I tend to give up easily and doubt myself often. Knowing that, I hope that I will be aware if I do fall into the trap of self-doubt. I can do it, and I will. Even if I walk in a race, I will train and work hard. If for no other reason than because I can. Two years ago, I was in great shape (minus a tumor that was kind of killing my strength), and I have yet to get back into that sort of shape since my surgery. However, if I could be a bad-a rock climbing fool even having a tumor and a bad back, I can do this.
I also think I may set up a blog to track my progress as I train...maybe. Not that I think anybody else cares about it, but I think that will provide some self-accountability. I need that. I refuse to add this to my list of could-have-beens. The list of things I've been amped about in the past 5 years but inevitably dropped is too long already...
campus ministry; becoming a teacher; teaching abroad; going grad school (for architecture, structural engineering, historical preservation, education, or psychology); climbing (lasted almost 2 yrs); kickboxing; photography; and I'm sure there's more...
That's a lot of unrealized dreaming in 5 years. Granted, I really did go after a few of those things, only to finally decide that the time just wasn't right. A few of them are still in the back of my mind for if/when the time is right. So, I will not give up. I will not let the devil beat me down when I feel weak. I will be strong because I can. I will continue to dream, and when I turn 30 in 10 months, I will be in better shape than when I turned 20!
So, what's different? Well, for one thing, I am finally watching one of those potentially far-fetched dreams come true for myself. Granted, it's not been an easy road. In fact, it's been one of the most daunting, stressful processes, but becoming a homeowner is worth it. I am supposed to close on my house in less than 2 weeks. I can't back out now, so this is for real! Not only is it real, it's also a bit inspiring. So many dropped dreams along the way have led me to believe that it doesn't matter how much I want something, chances are it still won't happen. The first huge example was out of my hands...some know the story of me failing to raise nearly enough funding to be an intern at a campus ministry in Mexico. It's a long story, but basically, that set off a pattern of supposed failure in my life. In the few years to follow, I felt like every time I really wanted to do something (a dream, of sorts), something got in my way and I gave up.
Well, for the first time in the almost 5 years since that happened, I am seeing something huge actually come to fruition. Nearly 4 months after deciding to make an offer on the house, I am finally going to be a homeowner. I still have a hard time believing it myself...I don't think it will seem real until I have the keys in my hand. Until then, I will have doubts. Even now, I have a hard time believing that it's really happening. I keep saying "if" instead of "when."
Anyway, I am a dreamer. For years I have come up with dreams that I wanted to pursue, and nothing ever seems to come of it. I have finally decided that the only reason things don't happen is because I tend to get in over my head. I decide that I want to do something RIGHT NOW, and then I get frustrated when I don't have the resources or whatever it takes to make big things happen fast. This time, I really do want to do it right, but I'm concerned w/ my propensity to take on too much too fast and have extreme expectations. In the past few years I have dreamed BIG...and I still have a heart for a lot of what I went after, but I had to accept that the timing was just not right.
My current dream is that I want to race,and the dream is not just the race itself, the process along the way is the biggest part. I want to do a legit race before I turn 30. I've decided to start training for a sprint triathlon (a shorter distance than regular triathlon), during which time I also want to do some smaller races like 5Ks or adventure races. I don't love running, but I love the feeling of being able to run. I want to be in the kind of shape where if I decide last minute to play soccer or something, I can do it w/o struggling. On top of my training dream here, I've also incorporated my desire to play soccer again. I want to join a league if I can, but to begin with, I have decided to start playing pick-up games w/ some people once a week. That can easily become part of my training if I commit. The reason I think I can make these things happen is b/c other people will rely on me. I will be doing training with at least one (maybe two) other friends. Soccer will involve other people, and we'll rely on one another to show up so there are enough people to play.
What makes this goal stand out even more than the others is because, going in, I know that I can do it. I also know that I tend to give up easily and doubt myself often. Knowing that, I hope that I will be aware if I do fall into the trap of self-doubt. I can do it, and I will. Even if I walk in a race, I will train and work hard. If for no other reason than because I can. Two years ago, I was in great shape (minus a tumor that was kind of killing my strength), and I have yet to get back into that sort of shape since my surgery. However, if I could be a bad-a rock climbing fool even having a tumor and a bad back, I can do this.
I also think I may set up a blog to track my progress as I train...maybe. Not that I think anybody else cares about it, but I think that will provide some self-accountability. I need that. I refuse to add this to my list of could-have-beens. The list of things I've been amped about in the past 5 years but inevitably dropped is too long already...
campus ministry; becoming a teacher; teaching abroad; going grad school (for architecture, structural engineering, historical preservation, education, or psychology); climbing (lasted almost 2 yrs); kickboxing; photography; and I'm sure there's more...
That's a lot of unrealized dreaming in 5 years. Granted, I really did go after a few of those things, only to finally decide that the time just wasn't right. A few of them are still in the back of my mind for if/when the time is right. So, I will not give up. I will not let the devil beat me down when I feel weak. I will be strong because I can. I will continue to dream, and when I turn 30 in 10 months, I will be in better shape than when I turned 20!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Random thought...
On the other side of weakness is grace.
As we fall into ourselves, as we fall for fear/weakness/doubt, we fall in the direction of God, so while we have fallen, we're no farther from His rescuing hand than when we began. We are, in fact, closer to His saving grace than before we stumbled, as long as we were moving in the right direction at the start.
As we fall into ourselves, as we fall for fear/weakness/doubt, we fall in the direction of God, so while we have fallen, we're no farther from His rescuing hand than when we began. We are, in fact, closer to His saving grace than before we stumbled, as long as we were moving in the right direction at the start.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Treading water
Do you ever feel like you've been fighting a losing battle so long that you've lost track of how you got there in the first place? That's kind of a familiar battle for me because I forget stuff kind of easily anyway... I debated whether to post this blog on my public blog or my more private one. Honestly, at this moment, I'm still unsure whether or not I'll end up moving it to the private blog before posting it. I never know what I'll end up writing anyway.
I always have a difficult time figuring out how I'm going to begin a post, so I ramble on and on until I am able to get going. I kind of think sometimes that's a pretty good summation of my life. I rarely know how to get started with anything, so I just push along, treading water, until something happens. That's a pretty exhausting way to live, if you ask me. No matter what the goal is or what area of my life, that's my tendency. I find myself fighting against my own tendencies so often that I go nowhere. Granted, I know a lot of people find themselves in this limbo sort of situation. I have found myself knocked down by a sort of limbo off and on for years now. I think it's got a lot to do with perspective. When all I can see are the mistakes I've made, the places I haven't been, and the goals I haven't reached, I get exhausted.
I feel like it'd be nice to blog about how I've been treading water for so long but have now found a solution. Yeah, that's not the case. I'm just exhausted...too exhausted to find a solution...to exhausted to even make sense of my thoughts...too exhausted to push forward...to exhausted to look back. I can't seem to simply be still though. I continue to tread water. I'm running on the treadmill of life, watching things happen all around while I go nowhere. I do realize that I'm not actually going nowhere. I'm moving toward home-ownership, but that's not an end goal, it's just a new chapter that will be filled with plenty of ups and downs. It's been another long, exhausting process. I'm thankful for it, but that doesn't make me any less worn down. I feel like that's a big problem I face. I'm grateful for so many things, but my gratitude doesn't make me any less exhausted. My moments of joy don't help balance out or counter my constant exhaustion. In fact, I often find that it's relishing in these moments of joy and celebration that leads to another round of exhaustion.
My tendency seems to be to see the build up of good things (buying a house, for example), and I get all excited and I am nearly floating in joy. This is good. However, at some point, the reality of all that goes along with the good thing (buying a house: mortgage, inspections, a lot of paperwork, etc) kind of hits, and the process becomes exhausting. Now, if life was simple and only one thing happened at a time, maybe exhaustion wouldn't always be the result of everything. Life isn't that simple, though. As usual, I am juggling more than just a couple of little things, so I push forward toward each goal. I wear myself out trying to keep up with all that's going on...everyone knows I don't ask for help or say "no" to anything/anyone. So, I juggle work, house-buying, relationships, other commitments and responsibilities, etc. Inevitably, I find myself crashing again and again. I don't just crash once every year or so...I am pretty sure I get this exhausted at least twice a year (maybe more, I forget).
Well, writing hasn't rejuvenated me or given me any extra motivation/energy. I was kind of hoping for that. Oh well, it was worth a shot.
I always have a difficult time figuring out how I'm going to begin a post, so I ramble on and on until I am able to get going. I kind of think sometimes that's a pretty good summation of my life. I rarely know how to get started with anything, so I just push along, treading water, until something happens. That's a pretty exhausting way to live, if you ask me. No matter what the goal is or what area of my life, that's my tendency. I find myself fighting against my own tendencies so often that I go nowhere. Granted, I know a lot of people find themselves in this limbo sort of situation. I have found myself knocked down by a sort of limbo off and on for years now. I think it's got a lot to do with perspective. When all I can see are the mistakes I've made, the places I haven't been, and the goals I haven't reached, I get exhausted.
I feel like it'd be nice to blog about how I've been treading water for so long but have now found a solution. Yeah, that's not the case. I'm just exhausted...too exhausted to find a solution...to exhausted to even make sense of my thoughts...too exhausted to push forward...to exhausted to look back. I can't seem to simply be still though. I continue to tread water. I'm running on the treadmill of life, watching things happen all around while I go nowhere. I do realize that I'm not actually going nowhere. I'm moving toward home-ownership, but that's not an end goal, it's just a new chapter that will be filled with plenty of ups and downs. It's been another long, exhausting process. I'm thankful for it, but that doesn't make me any less worn down. I feel like that's a big problem I face. I'm grateful for so many things, but my gratitude doesn't make me any less exhausted. My moments of joy don't help balance out or counter my constant exhaustion. In fact, I often find that it's relishing in these moments of joy and celebration that leads to another round of exhaustion.
My tendency seems to be to see the build up of good things (buying a house, for example), and I get all excited and I am nearly floating in joy. This is good. However, at some point, the reality of all that goes along with the good thing (buying a house: mortgage, inspections, a lot of paperwork, etc) kind of hits, and the process becomes exhausting. Now, if life was simple and only one thing happened at a time, maybe exhaustion wouldn't always be the result of everything. Life isn't that simple, though. As usual, I am juggling more than just a couple of little things, so I push forward toward each goal. I wear myself out trying to keep up with all that's going on...everyone knows I don't ask for help or say "no" to anything/anyone. So, I juggle work, house-buying, relationships, other commitments and responsibilities, etc. Inevitably, I find myself crashing again and again. I don't just crash once every year or so...I am pretty sure I get this exhausted at least twice a year (maybe more, I forget).
Well, writing hasn't rejuvenated me or given me any extra motivation/energy. I was kind of hoping for that. Oh well, it was worth a shot.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Proud to be a little bit country and livin in the city!
What do the following things have in common?
high school football, country music, dirt roads, bon fires, comfy jeans, 4-wheel drive trucks
If you guessed that they’re all part of most country music videos, you’re not totally wrong... but I was looking for something like, “well, that’s where Stephanie Gobler comes from!”
A lot of my friends these days have only heard stories, but after a week and a half back home I’m coming out of the country closet. In recent years, I stopped using the word “y’all” and have worked hard to lose my accent. I didn’t want to be country, so every time I went back home to visit, I’d try very hard to not slip into my old southern ways. I ordered vegetarian meals and expensive beer instead of fried fish and bud light. I listened to my indie music instead of down home country music. I made sure to always say “you guys” every time I spoke of a group of people. This go round, something changed. I don’t think it really hit me until halfway through my trip. I drove to Fernandina Beach, FL (2 hrs from home) and listened to country music the whole way. I spent the day at the beach, listened to some more country music, drank a beer and ate some yummy fried fish while I watched the summer rain over the beach.
Somewhere along the drive out of Fernandina, I remembered who I used to be (in the good ways). I rolled the windows down (in the rain), turned up the country tunes, and belted out the lyrics to every song I knew. I ended up on a 10-mile stretch of a FL state highway that is somehow a dirt road with no intersecting roads at all. Normally, this would irritate me, but even with the rain still sprinkling down (and the sun still shining through), my windows were down, music up, and at 20mph, I drove that dirt road with SO much joy! It’s sad when someone begins to miss driving down badly maintained, lonely dirt roads for 10 miles. When I finally got to the paved road, it was so flat I could see for miles... so I did what I always did years ago, I put the pedal down and dared myself to hit 100mph (I chickened out at 99mp, as always and hit the brakes quickly).
The rest of the week, I spent time w/ friends in Valdosta before welcoming my Atlanta friends to town. Let’s just say, that’s all it took for me to revive my country self. By Sunday night, there had been nothing but sunshine, crazy times in the pool with friends (new and old), beer, country music, Jack Daniels, a cowboy hat (mine), hanging in the hot tub, mosquito bites, a trip over an hour into FL by two guys who were set on gettin’ us more beer and some fireworks, fireworks shooting off in all the wrong places, a passed out trooper (off duty, of course)... It only made sense that Monday would start with a little bit of fishing off the dock.
It may have been a foreign experience for some of my Atlanta friends, but for me, there’s not a whole lot better in this world than livin’ it up country-style sometimes! As has happened before, after being down home for over a week, I have had a hard time not missing it. I live in an urban neighborhood... I can’t see the stars, there’s no lake out back, no bonfires or fields or dirt roads... It’s hard to live a country song life in the city, but it’s not impossible. I love my ‘hood and my community here, but I definitely didn’t expect to have to re-adjust to my current life after only 10 days of living my old life.
Songs that have inspired me this past week or so (you should look 'em up):
"Chicken Fried" by Zac Brown Band
"My Kinda Party" by Jason Aldean
"Take a Back Road" by Rodney Atkins
"Heart Like Mine" by Miranda Lambert (many of her other songs too)
"Barefoot Blue Jean Night" by Jake Owen
"Boondocks" by Little Big Town
... there are many more, but I'll stop there :)
Later y'all!
high school football, country music, dirt roads, bon fires, comfy jeans, 4-wheel drive trucks
If you guessed that they’re all part of most country music videos, you’re not totally wrong... but I was looking for something like, “well, that’s where Stephanie Gobler comes from!”
A lot of my friends these days have only heard stories, but after a week and a half back home I’m coming out of the country closet. In recent years, I stopped using the word “y’all” and have worked hard to lose my accent. I didn’t want to be country, so every time I went back home to visit, I’d try very hard to not slip into my old southern ways. I ordered vegetarian meals and expensive beer instead of fried fish and bud light. I listened to my indie music instead of down home country music. I made sure to always say “you guys” every time I spoke of a group of people. This go round, something changed. I don’t think it really hit me until halfway through my trip. I drove to Fernandina Beach, FL (2 hrs from home) and listened to country music the whole way. I spent the day at the beach, listened to some more country music, drank a beer and ate some yummy fried fish while I watched the summer rain over the beach.
Somewhere along the drive out of Fernandina, I remembered who I used to be (in the good ways). I rolled the windows down (in the rain), turned up the country tunes, and belted out the lyrics to every song I knew. I ended up on a 10-mile stretch of a FL state highway that is somehow a dirt road with no intersecting roads at all. Normally, this would irritate me, but even with the rain still sprinkling down (and the sun still shining through), my windows were down, music up, and at 20mph, I drove that dirt road with SO much joy! It’s sad when someone begins to miss driving down badly maintained, lonely dirt roads for 10 miles. When I finally got to the paved road, it was so flat I could see for miles... so I did what I always did years ago, I put the pedal down and dared myself to hit 100mph (I chickened out at 99mp, as always and hit the brakes quickly).
The rest of the week, I spent time w/ friends in Valdosta before welcoming my Atlanta friends to town. Let’s just say, that’s all it took for me to revive my country self. By Sunday night, there had been nothing but sunshine, crazy times in the pool with friends (new and old), beer, country music, Jack Daniels, a cowboy hat (mine), hanging in the hot tub, mosquito bites, a trip over an hour into FL by two guys who were set on gettin’ us more beer and some fireworks, fireworks shooting off in all the wrong places, a passed out trooper (off duty, of course)... It only made sense that Monday would start with a little bit of fishing off the dock.
It may have been a foreign experience for some of my Atlanta friends, but for me, there’s not a whole lot better in this world than livin’ it up country-style sometimes! As has happened before, after being down home for over a week, I have had a hard time not missing it. I live in an urban neighborhood... I can’t see the stars, there’s no lake out back, no bonfires or fields or dirt roads... It’s hard to live a country song life in the city, but it’s not impossible. I love my ‘hood and my community here, but I definitely didn’t expect to have to re-adjust to my current life after only 10 days of living my old life.
Songs that have inspired me this past week or so (you should look 'em up):
"Chicken Fried" by Zac Brown Band
"My Kinda Party" by Jason Aldean
"Take a Back Road" by Rodney Atkins
"Heart Like Mine" by Miranda Lambert (many of her other songs too)
"Barefoot Blue Jean Night" by Jake Owen
"Boondocks" by Little Big Town
... there are many more, but I'll stop there :)
Later y'all!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Life jumped out and smacked me on the face w/ a big pile of awesome...
Some folks know that I've had a fairly stressful past few months or so (or maybe past few years, I'm not sure anymore). I have no clue why, but my stress level has been thru the roof for a while now. Anyway, for that reason, I'm planning on taking a week and a half away from life (off the grid as much as possible) to finally relax. I made that decision in the midst of craziness, going non-stop, wearing myself out (actually, my doctor told me to cut the stress asap, hehe). The break begins a week from today, almost two weeks after my 29th birthday.
Another little detail I should add is that I love to make new year resolutions on my birthday. The way I see it, the calendar new year means nothing...June 11th is when the new year begins for me. The past few years have been a bit of a mess. Most seem to start off messy as well, somehow. This year, I totally forgot to make a resolution because life jumped out and smacked me on the face with a big pile of awesome. In the past less than a week, so much has happened to put a smile on my face for the first time in a long time.
I rang in midnight of June 11 by having almost my entire family on stage in a karaoke bar full of old people (and Goblers, of course) singing "Happy Birthday" to me. Awesome! This was after many of us took turns rockin' the karaoke stage (some of us not bold enough to do more than white-girl-rap/talk the lyrics). I spent my actual birthday at a family reunion having a blast in South Florida...seriously, I'm blessed. Even though I was miles from home, I still felt loved by all of the "Happy Birthday" messages I kept seeing pop up on my phone/facebook...yeh, I'm blessed. If that wasn't great enough, after flying back to ATL on Sunday, I was planning to meet up w/ a few friends for Unplugged in the Park at Piedmont Park.
Thanks to better planning than I'm capable of, we had a great table up front full of 10-12 smiling faces! We had good beer, good food, cupcakes (including one smashed in my face, thanks Heather). The music (Bess Rogers and Rachel Platten) was awesome too! They were so awesome that two evenings later, I was chilling out at another show of theirs at the Artmore Hotel w/ my roomie. Once again, it was great and the singers and their whole crew are some of the nicest people. We hung out w/ them for a while, and we all walked down to a pub for more live music, food, and drinks (I should point out that the two New York guys were drinking mojitos as Heather and I downed our beers). There was a lot of laughter, and it all made me forget how stressed I've been lately! Who knew that the cure for stress was a lot of time surrounded by extended family followed by hanging out w/ and getting to know some total strangers?! Well, it worked for me.
I began the next day (Wednesday) by thinking that being 29 seemed to be going pretty well so far...maybe this year will finally be a year I can look back on and think, "that was a good year!" Shortly after having that thought and hoping that by simply thinking it I wouldn't jinx my "luck," I got an email. I had an answered prayer that I'd honestly all but given up on hearing about. FINALLY, I got a response to the offer I made on a not-yet-finished renovated house that I'm in love with. It was better than the counter offer we expected. A month and a half after submitting my offer, I am looking at a counter offer that I'll probably accept. The delayed timeline actually has been a blessing that opened up doors that were not open before. I've been smiling since the moment that email came in.
So, in one week my vacation begins...and in about 2 months I'll be closing on my house (unless something somehow goes wrong, and we all know that I fully expect something to go wrong).
Another little detail I should add is that I love to make new year resolutions on my birthday. The way I see it, the calendar new year means nothing...June 11th is when the new year begins for me. The past few years have been a bit of a mess. Most seem to start off messy as well, somehow. This year, I totally forgot to make a resolution because life jumped out and smacked me on the face with a big pile of awesome. In the past less than a week, so much has happened to put a smile on my face for the first time in a long time.
I rang in midnight of June 11 by having almost my entire family on stage in a karaoke bar full of old people (and Goblers, of course) singing "Happy Birthday" to me. Awesome! This was after many of us took turns rockin' the karaoke stage (some of us not bold enough to do more than white-girl-rap/talk the lyrics). I spent my actual birthday at a family reunion having a blast in South Florida...seriously, I'm blessed. Even though I was miles from home, I still felt loved by all of the "Happy Birthday" messages I kept seeing pop up on my phone/facebook...yeh, I'm blessed. If that wasn't great enough, after flying back to ATL on Sunday, I was planning to meet up w/ a few friends for Unplugged in the Park at Piedmont Park.
Thanks to better planning than I'm capable of, we had a great table up front full of 10-12 smiling faces! We had good beer, good food, cupcakes (including one smashed in my face, thanks Heather). The music (Bess Rogers and Rachel Platten) was awesome too! They were so awesome that two evenings later, I was chilling out at another show of theirs at the Artmore Hotel w/ my roomie. Once again, it was great and the singers and their whole crew are some of the nicest people. We hung out w/ them for a while, and we all walked down to a pub for more live music, food, and drinks (I should point out that the two New York guys were drinking mojitos as Heather and I downed our beers). There was a lot of laughter, and it all made me forget how stressed I've been lately! Who knew that the cure for stress was a lot of time surrounded by extended family followed by hanging out w/ and getting to know some total strangers?! Well, it worked for me.
I began the next day (Wednesday) by thinking that being 29 seemed to be going pretty well so far...maybe this year will finally be a year I can look back on and think, "that was a good year!" Shortly after having that thought and hoping that by simply thinking it I wouldn't jinx my "luck," I got an email. I had an answered prayer that I'd honestly all but given up on hearing about. FINALLY, I got a response to the offer I made on a not-yet-finished renovated house that I'm in love with. It was better than the counter offer we expected. A month and a half after submitting my offer, I am looking at a counter offer that I'll probably accept. The delayed timeline actually has been a blessing that opened up doors that were not open before. I've been smiling since the moment that email came in.
So, in one week my vacation begins...and in about 2 months I'll be closing on my house (unless something somehow goes wrong, and we all know that I fully expect something to go wrong).
Friday, May 20, 2011
Gimme a break...
Earlier today, I had dozens of thoughts running through my head that I wanted to get down in writing just to calm the mayhem in my mind. Currently, I've forgotten most of them. The main point, though, was what came to mind after hearing my pastor talk about his upcoming sabbatical from church. He spoke about sabbatical and sabbath and what they really mean. While he talked, my mind wandered (as it always does all the time), but I couldn't shake the idea that I am in desperate need of some sort of sabbatical. I can't realistically take one... in fact, I'm probably not going to get a relaxing vacation this year at all due to so many PTO days wasted being sick and lots of non-vacation travel already planned (long weekends, etc).
Despite not having time for a vacation, I know I can create time/space for resting. Rewinding a couple of years, there was a time when I did create space. I daily took time to sit quietly, read my devotional, pray, etc. I was typically able to carve out space on weekend days (either Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon) when I'd not let myself do anything more than just rest, read, write, etc. As time went on, I let those carved out moments fall through the cracks, and then I was given an opportunity to take a true sabbatical. Unfortunately, that opportunity came because of a tumor and subsequent major surgery, but it was a perfect opportunity to learn to rest. It was an 8-week period when I'd be out of work, away from the day-to-day, etc. I wasted it, though. After returning from my "sabbatical" of recovery, I not only dove back into life head-first (wearing myself out, of course), I did a horrible job of attempting to re-institute my quiet times.
It's now a year and a half later, and though I've had moments of successfully carving out space here and there, I have not regularly scheduled quality quiet time. To some, it may appear that I do have down time here and there, but my mind will not rest. I sit in silence, appearing to rest I'm sure, but in reality, my mind is going at a pace that I cannot even begin to embrace. I can't seem to turn it off. That's never been an easy task, but by not having regular quiet times, I seem to have entirely forgotten how to rest. Today, I decided to look into taking a day or two one weekend (this or the next) to really embrace a sabbath. I don't really know what it will look like, but I know that there are some things that cannot happen for me to actually get rest. I cannot check my email, answer my phone, text with anybody, think about work, look at my calendar, worry about any of the dozens of things weighing on me, etc. I will have to disconnect, unplug, retreat... I can write, I can read, but I have to limit my mind-wandering.
I literally found myself today googling how to rest. Yep, that's right...I actually googled how to take a break or sabbath. It's gotten that far...I literally don't know how to be still. There was a time when I was able to unplug and be still. It's been so long... I have also felt a little more extremely ADD lately (and I'm fully un-medicated), so my brain is even harder to turn down. So, here's to attempting to embrace the gift of sabbath.
No more telling myself that I'll rest "as soon as [insert random goal here]"...as soon as I have time, as soon as I finish this project, as soon as the weather is nice, as soon as I feel healthy, as soon as I have extra money, as soon as I schedule this, as soon as I that happens...etc. No more, the other stuff is going to have to wait. If God can take a rest on the 7th day, so can I... and the world spins madly on.
Despite not having time for a vacation, I know I can create time/space for resting. Rewinding a couple of years, there was a time when I did create space. I daily took time to sit quietly, read my devotional, pray, etc. I was typically able to carve out space on weekend days (either Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon) when I'd not let myself do anything more than just rest, read, write, etc. As time went on, I let those carved out moments fall through the cracks, and then I was given an opportunity to take a true sabbatical. Unfortunately, that opportunity came because of a tumor and subsequent major surgery, but it was a perfect opportunity to learn to rest. It was an 8-week period when I'd be out of work, away from the day-to-day, etc. I wasted it, though. After returning from my "sabbatical" of recovery, I not only dove back into life head-first (wearing myself out, of course), I did a horrible job of attempting to re-institute my quiet times.
It's now a year and a half later, and though I've had moments of successfully carving out space here and there, I have not regularly scheduled quality quiet time. To some, it may appear that I do have down time here and there, but my mind will not rest. I sit in silence, appearing to rest I'm sure, but in reality, my mind is going at a pace that I cannot even begin to embrace. I can't seem to turn it off. That's never been an easy task, but by not having regular quiet times, I seem to have entirely forgotten how to rest. Today, I decided to look into taking a day or two one weekend (this or the next) to really embrace a sabbath. I don't really know what it will look like, but I know that there are some things that cannot happen for me to actually get rest. I cannot check my email, answer my phone, text with anybody, think about work, look at my calendar, worry about any of the dozens of things weighing on me, etc. I will have to disconnect, unplug, retreat... I can write, I can read, but I have to limit my mind-wandering.
I literally found myself today googling how to rest. Yep, that's right...I actually googled how to take a break or sabbath. It's gotten that far...I literally don't know how to be still. There was a time when I was able to unplug and be still. It's been so long... I have also felt a little more extremely ADD lately (and I'm fully un-medicated), so my brain is even harder to turn down. So, here's to attempting to embrace the gift of sabbath.
No more telling myself that I'll rest "as soon as [insert random goal here]"...as soon as I have time, as soon as I finish this project, as soon as the weather is nice, as soon as I feel healthy, as soon as I have extra money, as soon as I schedule this, as soon as I that happens...etc. No more, the other stuff is going to have to wait. If God can take a rest on the 7th day, so can I... and the world spins madly on.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
What is community?
I apologize for the length and the rambling... I am processing as I write, as usual.
I have been blessed enough to somehow end up living in a place where an element of community exists like I've never before experienced. I understand what the word "neighbor" can really mean. A couple of years ago, I found myself drawn to a group of wonderful people within my church...many of whom lived in or around the Vine City neighborhood. I learned a lot about community in an urban environment from these people and our relationships. I saw in the local children a sense of both extreme need and extreme hope. Over a year after my involvement with Vine City began, I ended up in the relatively nearby urban neighborhood of Adair Park. Honestly, I didn't think I would end up enjoying life in an "area of transition" in an urban neighborhood. Sometimes, I love being wrong...I could not have been more wrong about this place.
Vine City, where it all began for me. 
Almost a year has passed, and for the first time in my adult life, I want to commit to something...to stick around for the long haul, if that is where God is calling me. I find myself caring about things that I spent most of my 28 years overlooking. Just a few years ago, had I driven into this neighborhood, I would have probably made sure my doors were locked, and rushed to get the heck out of here. Now, however, having become a part of this place, I can see that there is so much more than meets the eye. In the past couple of weeks, I have had multiple opportunities to get to know more neighbors in Adair Park than ever before. Oh my gosh, these people are wonderful!
Within a day or two of moving in, I met my next door neighbors, and we have only gotten to know each other more as time has gone by. I have one neighbor who is a great handyman to have around and another neighbor who knows everyone and everything about everyone...and he also recognizes if someone or something is out of place. If one of the empty houses on the street has a broken window or something wrong, neighbors fix it. I can't even begin to explain the joy I have felt this past weekend getting to know even more of my neighbors from all of the surrounding blocks. They are so amazing, and with every conversation and every moment becoming acquainted with them, I want even more to be a permanent part of this place.
A place where I can play with frisbee with the dog (or the neighbor's dog can play with my dog) 
I've discovered that a lot of the empty houses in this neighborhood (and many like it) are just owned by investors who don't care about the community. They pay cash for the houses and only sell them for cash, but they do nothing with the properties...they don't care. As I've been house-hunting, it has pained me to see how many of these amazing historical houses are neglected by distant owners. The more I learn, the more it makes me want to be a part of the change. The quote, "be the change you want to see in the world," has always seemed kind of cheesy to me. However, I think I'm beginning to understand it. This weekend I spoke with young couples, families, homeowners and fellow house-hunters...there's a passion that exists within these people that I cannot describe. To want to be a part of changing a community for the better is one thing, but to choose to live and invest one's own life within the community as a step toward change is entirely different.
There's a great couple who live by the park, and they've begun reaching out the children in the area. Over time they've even developed a bike shop, where the kids can work to earn a bike...amazing. I can't come close to scratching the surface of all they've done here and are continuing to do... this is community. I met a woman who has lived in this neighborhood for her entire life...through ups and downs, decade after decade. She and I probably talked for an hour about the importance of preserving the history that exists here...the architecture and the world created as a result of the architecture. By that I mean the front-porch lifestyle. Most of these 80-year-old (and older) Craftsman houses have deep, welcoming front porches. Throughout the years, front porch neighborhoods have had an advantage above every other type of neighborhood, I think.
A view from the front porch... 
Simply spending time on front porches since I've lived here, I have made new friends, laughed for hours with neighbors, felt safe and at home as people I didn't yet know stopped to say hi and introduce themselves, and I've begun to build relationships that I know would not exist without the framework of the front porch lifestyle. The architecture in this neighborhood (and many like it) provides potential for more than almost any suburban neighborhood can provide. The suburbs aren't bad, don't get me wrong. There just something magical about a street lined with nearly-century-old houses, many of which have been renovated to reveal their original splendor and detail...people on the porch waving as you pass. I think the biggest element of magic that I feel is to know that this exists here in Atlanta...2 miles from the bustling downtown. I am pretty sure that I never believed this could exist until I lived it.
I know that the opinions of a lot of people are not very positive when it comes to urban neighborhoods. I see it in their eyes when I mention where I live. I see it in the building tension when they realize that I chose it and I love it. Though, I think what gets to me the most is the, "oh, it's so wonderful that you are doing that," which I typically take to mean, "you must be crazy, you'll probably end up dead, but I guess that's the nature of some charity work." This isn't charity...this is a lifestyle. This is a lifestyle of wanting to create a better community by literally investing in it myself...that way I can't cut bait and run if the neighborhood doesn't go the route I want it to. It means that I have to be willing to be a part of the change for myself and for every single person who is now living here and who will one day come across this neighborhood.
I grew up in suburban south Georgia. When I came to Atlanta, I was naive almost to the point of pure ignorance. Even at Tech as I took classes about Atlanta's history and historical architecture, I was hesitant to change my opinion of "inner city." I don't know how it happened, and I don't even know when it happened. All I know is that becoming a part of this neighborhood has been one of those experiences that from the outside looking in, it may not make any sense, but from the inside looking out, I cannot imagine anything better.
Yes, there is crime in Atlanta. There is crime in and around this neighborhood. However, there is also crime in Buckhead (remember when an entire street of bars was shut down b/c of all the shootings?)...there is crime in the Highlands and in Grant Park (where the houses cost way more than in this area)...there is crime, it exists everywhere. If you want to live in an urban environment, whether in a loft in the city or a house in a neighborhood, you have to accept that crime will not just disappear overnight. However, by building a true community within these neighborhoods, crime can be driven away and changed. It can happen anywhere, and if we live our lives trying to avoid every risk, life really isn't being lived.
So, I make jokes about living in the 'hood. I pretend that comments about my neighborhood, and choices I've made regarding it, don't bother me. However, imagine if I mocked your home...this is my home. These people are my neighbors. I don't care what my neighbors look like or what their life choices have been. If they are here because they care to be neighbors and build community, I am pleased. None of that other stuff matters...black, white, Asian, Latino, straight, gay, male, female, family, or single people. They are my neighbors...this is my community. This community and all the others like it are gifts from God.
To consider moving here permanently is not a decision I made in effort to be charitable or to be "on mission" in an urban (a.k.a. "at-risk") environment, though I do feel as if God handed me this opportunity for some reason beyond what I can now see. I am actually being quite selfish. I like it here, so I want to be here and make it better so that I can continue to feel safe here. I feel like the growing community and relationships here are just icing on the cake.
I have been blessed enough to somehow end up living in a place where an element of community exists like I've never before experienced. I understand what the word "neighbor" can really mean. A couple of years ago, I found myself drawn to a group of wonderful people within my church...many of whom lived in or around the Vine City neighborhood. I learned a lot about community in an urban environment from these people and our relationships. I saw in the local children a sense of both extreme need and extreme hope. Over a year after my involvement with Vine City began, I ended up in the relatively nearby urban neighborhood of Adair Park. Honestly, I didn't think I would end up enjoying life in an "area of transition" in an urban neighborhood. Sometimes, I love being wrong...I could not have been more wrong about this place.
Almost a year has passed, and for the first time in my adult life, I want to commit to something...to stick around for the long haul, if that is where God is calling me. I find myself caring about things that I spent most of my 28 years overlooking. Just a few years ago, had I driven into this neighborhood, I would have probably made sure my doors were locked, and rushed to get the heck out of here. Now, however, having become a part of this place, I can see that there is so much more than meets the eye. In the past couple of weeks, I have had multiple opportunities to get to know more neighbors in Adair Park than ever before. Oh my gosh, these people are wonderful!
Within a day or two of moving in, I met my next door neighbors, and we have only gotten to know each other more as time has gone by. I have one neighbor who is a great handyman to have around and another neighbor who knows everyone and everything about everyone...and he also recognizes if someone or something is out of place. If one of the empty houses on the street has a broken window or something wrong, neighbors fix it. I can't even begin to explain the joy I have felt this past weekend getting to know even more of my neighbors from all of the surrounding blocks. They are so amazing, and with every conversation and every moment becoming acquainted with them, I want even more to be a permanent part of this place.
I've discovered that a lot of the empty houses in this neighborhood (and many like it) are just owned by investors who don't care about the community. They pay cash for the houses and only sell them for cash, but they do nothing with the properties...they don't care. As I've been house-hunting, it has pained me to see how many of these amazing historical houses are neglected by distant owners. The more I learn, the more it makes me want to be a part of the change. The quote, "be the change you want to see in the world," has always seemed kind of cheesy to me. However, I think I'm beginning to understand it. This weekend I spoke with young couples, families, homeowners and fellow house-hunters...there's a passion that exists within these people that I cannot describe. To want to be a part of changing a community for the better is one thing, but to choose to live and invest one's own life within the community as a step toward change is entirely different.
There's a great couple who live by the park, and they've begun reaching out the children in the area. Over time they've even developed a bike shop, where the kids can work to earn a bike...amazing. I can't come close to scratching the surface of all they've done here and are continuing to do... this is community. I met a woman who has lived in this neighborhood for her entire life...through ups and downs, decade after decade. She and I probably talked for an hour about the importance of preserving the history that exists here...the architecture and the world created as a result of the architecture. By that I mean the front-porch lifestyle. Most of these 80-year-old (and older) Craftsman houses have deep, welcoming front porches. Throughout the years, front porch neighborhoods have had an advantage above every other type of neighborhood, I think.
Simply spending time on front porches since I've lived here, I have made new friends, laughed for hours with neighbors, felt safe and at home as people I didn't yet know stopped to say hi and introduce themselves, and I've begun to build relationships that I know would not exist without the framework of the front porch lifestyle. The architecture in this neighborhood (and many like it) provides potential for more than almost any suburban neighborhood can provide. The suburbs aren't bad, don't get me wrong. There just something magical about a street lined with nearly-century-old houses, many of which have been renovated to reveal their original splendor and detail...people on the porch waving as you pass. I think the biggest element of magic that I feel is to know that this exists here in Atlanta...2 miles from the bustling downtown. I am pretty sure that I never believed this could exist until I lived it.
I know that the opinions of a lot of people are not very positive when it comes to urban neighborhoods. I see it in their eyes when I mention where I live. I see it in the building tension when they realize that I chose it and I love it. Though, I think what gets to me the most is the, "oh, it's so wonderful that you are doing that," which I typically take to mean, "you must be crazy, you'll probably end up dead, but I guess that's the nature of some charity work." This isn't charity...this is a lifestyle. This is a lifestyle of wanting to create a better community by literally investing in it myself...that way I can't cut bait and run if the neighborhood doesn't go the route I want it to. It means that I have to be willing to be a part of the change for myself and for every single person who is now living here and who will one day come across this neighborhood.
I grew up in suburban south Georgia. When I came to Atlanta, I was naive almost to the point of pure ignorance. Even at Tech as I took classes about Atlanta's history and historical architecture, I was hesitant to change my opinion of "inner city." I don't know how it happened, and I don't even know when it happened. All I know is that becoming a part of this neighborhood has been one of those experiences that from the outside looking in, it may not make any sense, but from the inside looking out, I cannot imagine anything better.
Yes, there is crime in Atlanta. There is crime in and around this neighborhood. However, there is also crime in Buckhead (remember when an entire street of bars was shut down b/c of all the shootings?)...there is crime in the Highlands and in Grant Park (where the houses cost way more than in this area)...there is crime, it exists everywhere. If you want to live in an urban environment, whether in a loft in the city or a house in a neighborhood, you have to accept that crime will not just disappear overnight. However, by building a true community within these neighborhoods, crime can be driven away and changed. It can happen anywhere, and if we live our lives trying to avoid every risk, life really isn't being lived.
So, I make jokes about living in the 'hood. I pretend that comments about my neighborhood, and choices I've made regarding it, don't bother me. However, imagine if I mocked your home...this is my home. These people are my neighbors. I don't care what my neighbors look like or what their life choices have been. If they are here because they care to be neighbors and build community, I am pleased. None of that other stuff matters...black, white, Asian, Latino, straight, gay, male, female, family, or single people. They are my neighbors...this is my community. This community and all the others like it are gifts from God.
To consider moving here permanently is not a decision I made in effort to be charitable or to be "on mission" in an urban (a.k.a. "at-risk") environment, though I do feel as if God handed me this opportunity for some reason beyond what I can now see. I am actually being quite selfish. I like it here, so I want to be here and make it better so that I can continue to feel safe here. I feel like the growing community and relationships here are just icing on the cake.
Friday, January 21, 2011
MS Walk 2011
Today is the beginning of my fundraising for an event that I am very excited about. This year I will be participating in the MS Walk in Atlanta on April 9. I was so excited about the event that I also created a Walk team, called Walk the Walk. To learn more about Multiple Sclerosis and the MS Walk, click on either of the links below. This is also a great chance to begin donating to this good cause. You may donate by clicking on the link below.
My MS Walk Page
The Walk the Walk team is an open team, if you'd like to get involved by joining us in our 5K walk and goal of raising funds toward MS research, sign up today!
Walk The Walk team page
I will soon be more regularly updating those interested in either walking or supporting our fundraising goal. The walk is on April 9, so there is time to raise a substantial amount between now and then.
If you want to learn more about Multiple Sclerosis, visit the website for the National MS Society.
Thanks in advance for your support!
My MS Walk Page
The Walk the Walk team is an open team, if you'd like to get involved by joining us in our 5K walk and goal of raising funds toward MS research, sign up today!
Walk The Walk team page
I will soon be more regularly updating those interested in either walking or supporting our fundraising goal. The walk is on April 9, so there is time to raise a substantial amount between now and then.
If you want to learn more about Multiple Sclerosis, visit the website for the National MS Society.
Thanks in advance for your support!
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