One of those days

This could turn out to be one of those posts I later wish I hadn't shared, but sometimes honesty and laying myself bare is an important step in becoming who I should be.

Yesterday, I had what can only be described as one of the worst days I've had in a very long time. To some people, it would be just a bump in the road, I'm sure, but to me, it was one of those end-of-the-world type days where I wanted to do nothing but either disappear or blow up. I wrote in more detail about the events of the morning and my feelings about it on my ADDer World blog... If you're interested in reading it, let me know and I'll link to it, but I prefer to keep that side of my mind open only to those who understand what goes on in the mind of an ADDer like myself. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Sometimes seemingly small blows can seem to knock us over the edge... my theory is that it's not the size of the blow, but the timing, that sends us over the edge.

I use the analogy of living on a cliff... when all is well, I'm perfectly content away from the edge, but as I take little hits here and there (disappointments, failures, moments of hurt, etc), I get closer and closer to the edge. Large blows can send me reeling, but I may not fall that hard yet...though, I'm moving closer to a fall than I often realize. As a result, sometimes all it takes is a little shove to go over the edge of the cliff. In the past I've had to remind myself over and over that falling isn't the end because there is a hand reaching out to catch us, if only we look up and grab hold.

Yesterday that hand came in the form of community from people at my church. It wasn't really expected, but as a result of yesterday morning's turn of events, I went to the mid-day service at Trinity. That morning I'd spent a decent amount of time in tears, I'll admit, which is something I don't like to talk about. I am not a public crier, nor do I even like to admit that I ever cry (yes, I know, it's normal to cry). Anyway, as I sat in church listening to the scriptures read and Candace speak, I fought back tears. I fought back bc I was around people, people who I know. I want to appear strong, independent, and like I've got my crap together all the time. As she spoke, my walls came crashing down... the events of the morning were an issue all of their own, but then this...this was something else, something I needed. I'm not sure what struck me harder, the words she spoke about coming out of hiding or the fact that God had orchestrated the day in such was as to guarantee I would hear the words.

It's hard even to explain what I felt, but I haven't felt such a strong divine intervention in a few years. God, I needed it. I'm not sure what I'll do with it, but I needed it. Almost three years ago, God slowed me down in a huge way, but I needed it and the growth as a result was a blessing. In the past year, life has been good, but there have been huge areas I've ignored...I've hidden from myself and others. As I moved forward on my schedule, my timeline, my controlled situations, I set God on the back burner a bit if His plans didn't seem to fit in my little box. Yesterday, He sat me down and showed me a glimpse of how powerful He is.

I cried in front of people yesterday. I allowed someone to pray for me. I was honest. God orchestrated a series of events that even now I want to tear up thinking about how perfectly laid out they were. If not for one hiccup, yesterday I'd have missed that lunch service and the words I needed to hear. I'd have not allowed myself to feel what needed to be felt. I'd not have had the courage to ask for the prayer I have so badly needed for so long but am too proud to ask for. I'd not have had the blessed conversations yesterday that carried me into today. I'd not have crossed paths with a neighbor who I know can relate to one of my major areas of weakness... the area that set off the series of events yesterday.

This neighbor offered accountability, and I needed it. I didn't realize how much I needed to be able to talk to someone who actually understood and isn't embarrassed or downplaying the impact that ADD/ADHD has on day-to-day life. Yes, for those who get tired of hearing about it, a lot of what happened yesterday began with one of my biggest ADD-related struggles. This is where I get easily rattled because so many people try to understand, but they just can't get it. No offense to those who try, but there is no way I can explain to you how I feel w/o it coming across as excuses or whining. I am so grateful to know that I'm not alone. I've written time and time again in the past about ADD and issues I've had related to it. I now choose to keep these posts on my ADDer World blog, separate from this. Just FYI (if you are one of the few who cares to hear about that, let me know).

Anyway, the purpose of this vague post is to just I guess point out that God is present even in our moments of downfall. He is there if we look... the thing is, he can be there all day long and it won't help us if we don't reciprocate. His hands are outstretched toward us, but if we are so engrossed in our own struggles, our own agendas, we will not reach back toward Him. I'm so guilty of this...but yesterday, for once, I reached back... unfortunately, all to often I don't reach toward Him until I've got nowhere else to go. Yesterday was one of those days. It was go to God or continue falling down, and as far down as I'd gone, I don't know that I'd have been able to survive the continued fall.