(The song that inspired this post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQUCppZea5Y)
I'm not the kind of person who likes to have regrets (I mean, really, who does?). By this I mean that one of my biggest goals of my adult life has been to live life with no regrets. Every mistake I make, every mis-step (there have been plenty), and every wrong turn have all been opportunities for growth. Even though I have had to learn some lessons over and over before they sink in, I still tell myself that even the hardest situations had to happen to make me who I am today. Today, I am who God created me to be at this point in my life. There is no other option. He knew I'd have to fight some battles, but He knows what I can handle and won't leave me out in the cold. This I know.
However, even knowing this truth doesn't keep me from wanting to give up sometimes. This morning it took a Bebo Norman song ("Time Takes Its Toll On Us") to kind of remind me of the basics that I will bend, and I will break, but there is no giving up. Why? I won't give up because I am not fighting a battle alone. When I bend and break, there is more than enough wholeness to carry me through any battle field. The only catch is that I do have to acknowledge that it's there. God is always there to pick me up when I fall, but my biggest challenge is that all too often I try to stand on broken legs. I know I'll get nowhere by doing this, but my superwoman mentality takes over sometimes. Logic says that if part of me is physically broken, I need assistance to move...whether assistance be in the form of crutches, a wheelchair, a cast or splint, there is some form of necessary assistance. When I'm broken internally, I need the same amount of support, but it's less obvious to me. I see the physical. I see that I am physically capable, but sometimes I need to allow God to be that spiritual/emotional/internal splint so that I can heal and grow to be more healthy.
It's hard to allow this to happen though. It is difficult to acknowledge that, while on the outside I appear strong and capable, inside I am bending and breaking under the pressure.
This blog got way off topic. I started this blog with the goal of pointing out that I have slipped from my stance of having no regrets. I began this day filled with inner battles which I feel are unnecessary to my growth. For the first time in a very long time, I felt regret. I have felt regret over a few small things recently and they keep building. It's funny how the moment I allow the smallest hint of regret to enter my mind, other similar feelings come rushing in. I started this post with the intent of saying that as much as I've learned in the past year and a half, I wish I'd never decided to become a homeowner. I began to wonder if buying a home was just a really big impulsive mistake. I then remembered the battle I went through to get this house. Over 5 months of fighting, crying, falling, and more fighting... I got the house. In the past year of ownership, it's been one battle after another.
Was it worth it? It's mine.
Not only was I nearly homeless for a week upon moving into the house, I didn't close on the place for another month. I blamed myself for the shoddy work done in a few areas of the house because I thought I rushed the builders (who technically had a completion date 4 months prior to actual completion). That was not my fault. I blamed myself when my inspector didn't look at the roof closely enough...which caused my insurance company to drop me because the roof was so poorly finished. I forked over the money for the new roof, outwardly blamed the builder and inspector, but inside I felt responsible. When the structure below needed to be reinforced, I blamed myself for not noticing it earlier. Once again, I outwardly blamed the inspector who should have noticed, but I carried the blame in my way. With each hiccup, I have felt like I should have seen it coming. I felt like I should have anticipated the roof replacement, the structural needs, the lack of insulation, the piece of siding that just jumped off the house, and now the water line that needs to be replaced. Each of these things could have been built better early on, but I feel responsible because I bought this house.
So, today I began to feel true regret. I began to wish I had never gotten into this mess. I wanted to turn back time and start over again... I have felt this way about a few things recently, and it's the first time in years that I've allowed regret to enter my mind. It's a slippery slope. Time really does take its toll...today I needed the reminder that no matter how bent and broken I become, giving up is not an option because there is a strength that remains. It is a strength that is not my own. So through the fire, through the financial storm of home repairs, through the physical ailments and emotional turmoil, I will not give up. I will not give in to regret.
Sometimes I need a reminder of what I'm capable of so I don't give up.
So, while this began as a post about regret, I will end it as a post about hope. Yes, I now can acknowledge that I am in the midst of a battle. I can admit that I am at a place where I can't fix everything, where I don't know what happens next, and I don't know why this is happening the way it is. Despite this, I will be hopeful and will not regret. Where I am now is not where I will be. A few years ago, I wrote something that I refer back to really often (and was the inspiration for my wrist tattoos). Today it rings as true as it did years ago...I've changed the wording a bit to fit this situation...but essentially:
We can either let challenges overtake us and break us down, or we can abandon ourselves to what lies ahead. The latter is much more difficult because it means accepting that who we are and where we are is not who and where we will be. It means throwing structure and caution to the wind. It means being ok with the fact that all we know can change in an instant. It means trusting God when the world around us seems to crumble. It means knowing when to hold on and when to let go.
3 comments:
Stephaine: I understand your frustration. So many times in the past six years since we've bought our home, I've questioned that decision. It was the height of the market, just before the bubble burst and we are so so underwater that sometimes it makes me want to scream. But it will get better. And every time you make an improvement on your house it will be to your specifications. And you will be smarter about those decisions. And you are never, never alone because you are surrounded by friends and neighbors who in one way or another have been there and who can help you navigated this complicated proccess. Your house is great. You can appeal the water bill. You can run a marathon. And you are welcome any time at our place on brookline for a whiskey.
Thanks Crystal! Sometimes it really does make a huge difference just knowing that I have such great neighbors surrounding me... there's no way I could have made it through this past year and a half without knowing I was a part of such a wonderful community!
You are a fantastic writer; never give up (or stop writing)! I am so proud of you. The "mistakes" in home ownership you speak of have been made by thousands...it is called "life" and we are not to blame ourselves for things we cannot know. I know you are a VERY intelligent lady, but you can't know everything (only Mom's do :) ) But, with you faith in the righ place and learning from experiences, you will find tht things work out. I can tell that many people love you and speak fondly of you. That alone is a blessing that cannot be discounted. It makes me very proud as well even though Dad and I just followed God's advice as much as we could (the mistakes we made were of our own doing, like thinking we had clue when we didn't). Love you forever, like you for always... Mom
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