Earlier today, I had dozens of thoughts running through my head that I wanted to get down in writing just to calm the mayhem in my mind. Currently, I've forgotten most of them. The main point, though, was what came to mind after hearing my pastor talk about his upcoming sabbatical from church. He spoke about sabbatical and sabbath and what they really mean. While he talked, my mind wandered (as it always does all the time), but I couldn't shake the idea that I am in desperate need of some sort of sabbatical. I can't realistically take one... in fact, I'm probably not going to get a relaxing vacation this year at all due to so many PTO days wasted being sick and lots of non-vacation travel already planned (long weekends, etc).
Despite not having time for a vacation, I know I can create time/space for resting. Rewinding a couple of years, there was a time when I did create space. I daily took time to sit quietly, read my devotional, pray, etc. I was typically able to carve out space on weekend days (either Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon) when I'd not let myself do anything more than just rest, read, write, etc. As time went on, I let those carved out moments fall through the cracks, and then I was given an opportunity to take a true sabbatical. Unfortunately, that opportunity came because of a tumor and subsequent major surgery, but it was a perfect opportunity to learn to rest. It was an 8-week period when I'd be out of work, away from the day-to-day, etc. I wasted it, though. After returning from my "sabbatical" of recovery, I not only dove back into life head-first (wearing myself out, of course), I did a horrible job of attempting to re-institute my quiet times.
It's now a year and a half later, and though I've had moments of successfully carving out space here and there, I have not regularly scheduled quality quiet time. To some, it may appear that I do have down time here and there, but my mind will not rest. I sit in silence, appearing to rest I'm sure, but in reality, my mind is going at a pace that I cannot even begin to embrace. I can't seem to turn it off. That's never been an easy task, but by not having regular quiet times, I seem to have entirely forgotten how to rest. Today, I decided to look into taking a day or two one weekend (this or the next) to really embrace a sabbath. I don't really know what it will look like, but I know that there are some things that cannot happen for me to actually get rest. I cannot check my email, answer my phone, text with anybody, think about work, look at my calendar, worry about any of the dozens of things weighing on me, etc. I will have to disconnect, unplug, retreat... I can write, I can read, but I have to limit my mind-wandering.
I literally found myself today googling how to rest. Yep, that's right...I actually googled how to take a break or sabbath. It's gotten that far...I literally don't know how to be still. There was a time when I was able to unplug and be still. It's been so long... I have also felt a little more extremely ADD lately (and I'm fully un-medicated), so my brain is even harder to turn down. So, here's to attempting to embrace the gift of sabbath.
No more telling myself that I'll rest "as soon as [insert random goal here]"...as soon as I have time, as soon as I finish this project, as soon as the weather is nice, as soon as I feel healthy, as soon as I have extra money, as soon as I schedule this, as soon as I that happens...etc. No more, the other stuff is going to have to wait. If God can take a rest on the 7th day, so can I... and the world spins madly on.
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