Do you ever feel like you've been fighting a losing battle so long that you've lost track of how you got there in the first place? That's kind of a familiar battle for me because I forget stuff kind of easily anyway... I debated whether to post this blog on my public blog or my more private one. Honestly, at this moment, I'm still unsure whether or not I'll end up moving it to the private blog before posting it. I never know what I'll end up writing anyway.
I always have a difficult time figuring out how I'm going to begin a post, so I ramble on and on until I am able to get going. I kind of think sometimes that's a pretty good summation of my life. I rarely know how to get started with anything, so I just push along, treading water, until something happens. That's a pretty exhausting way to live, if you ask me. No matter what the goal is or what area of my life, that's my tendency. I find myself fighting against my own tendencies so often that I go nowhere. Granted, I know a lot of people find themselves in this limbo sort of situation. I have found myself knocked down by a sort of limbo off and on for years now. I think it's got a lot to do with perspective. When all I can see are the mistakes I've made, the places I haven't been, and the goals I haven't reached, I get exhausted.
I feel like it'd be nice to blog about how I've been treading water for so long but have now found a solution. Yeah, that's not the case. I'm just exhausted...too exhausted to find a solution...to exhausted to even make sense of my thoughts...too exhausted to push forward...to exhausted to look back. I can't seem to simply be still though. I continue to tread water. I'm running on the treadmill of life, watching things happen all around while I go nowhere. I do realize that I'm not actually going nowhere. I'm moving toward home-ownership, but that's not an end goal, it's just a new chapter that will be filled with plenty of ups and downs. It's been another long, exhausting process. I'm thankful for it, but that doesn't make me any less worn down. I feel like that's a big problem I face. I'm grateful for so many things, but my gratitude doesn't make me any less exhausted. My moments of joy don't help balance out or counter my constant exhaustion. In fact, I often find that it's relishing in these moments of joy and celebration that leads to another round of exhaustion.
My tendency seems to be to see the build up of good things (buying a house, for example), and I get all excited and I am nearly floating in joy. This is good. However, at some point, the reality of all that goes along with the good thing (buying a house: mortgage, inspections, a lot of paperwork, etc) kind of hits, and the process becomes exhausting. Now, if life was simple and only one thing happened at a time, maybe exhaustion wouldn't always be the result of everything. Life isn't that simple, though. As usual, I am juggling more than just a couple of little things, so I push forward toward each goal. I wear myself out trying to keep up with all that's going on...everyone knows I don't ask for help or say "no" to anything/anyone. So, I juggle work, house-buying, relationships, other commitments and responsibilities, etc. Inevitably, I find myself crashing again and again. I don't just crash once every year or so...I am pretty sure I get this exhausted at least twice a year (maybe more, I forget).
Well, writing hasn't rejuvenated me or given me any extra motivation/energy. I was kind of hoping for that. Oh well, it was worth a shot.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Proud to be a little bit country and livin in the city!
What do the following things have in common?
high school football, country music, dirt roads, bon fires, comfy jeans, 4-wheel drive trucks
If you guessed that they’re all part of most country music videos, you’re not totally wrong... but I was looking for something like, “well, that’s where Stephanie Gobler comes from!”
A lot of my friends these days have only heard stories, but after a week and a half back home I’m coming out of the country closet. In recent years, I stopped using the word “y’all” and have worked hard to lose my accent. I didn’t want to be country, so every time I went back home to visit, I’d try very hard to not slip into my old southern ways. I ordered vegetarian meals and expensive beer instead of fried fish and bud light. I listened to my indie music instead of down home country music. I made sure to always say “you guys” every time I spoke of a group of people. This go round, something changed. I don’t think it really hit me until halfway through my trip. I drove to Fernandina Beach, FL (2 hrs from home) and listened to country music the whole way. I spent the day at the beach, listened to some more country music, drank a beer and ate some yummy fried fish while I watched the summer rain over the beach.
Somewhere along the drive out of Fernandina, I remembered who I used to be (in the good ways). I rolled the windows down (in the rain), turned up the country tunes, and belted out the lyrics to every song I knew. I ended up on a 10-mile stretch of a FL state highway that is somehow a dirt road with no intersecting roads at all. Normally, this would irritate me, but even with the rain still sprinkling down (and the sun still shining through), my windows were down, music up, and at 20mph, I drove that dirt road with SO much joy! It’s sad when someone begins to miss driving down badly maintained, lonely dirt roads for 10 miles. When I finally got to the paved road, it was so flat I could see for miles... so I did what I always did years ago, I put the pedal down and dared myself to hit 100mph (I chickened out at 99mp, as always and hit the brakes quickly).
The rest of the week, I spent time w/ friends in Valdosta before welcoming my Atlanta friends to town. Let’s just say, that’s all it took for me to revive my country self. By Sunday night, there had been nothing but sunshine, crazy times in the pool with friends (new and old), beer, country music, Jack Daniels, a cowboy hat (mine), hanging in the hot tub, mosquito bites, a trip over an hour into FL by two guys who were set on gettin’ us more beer and some fireworks, fireworks shooting off in all the wrong places, a passed out trooper (off duty, of course)... It only made sense that Monday would start with a little bit of fishing off the dock.
It may have been a foreign experience for some of my Atlanta friends, but for me, there’s not a whole lot better in this world than livin’ it up country-style sometimes! As has happened before, after being down home for over a week, I have had a hard time not missing it. I live in an urban neighborhood... I can’t see the stars, there’s no lake out back, no bonfires or fields or dirt roads... It’s hard to live a country song life in the city, but it’s not impossible. I love my ‘hood and my community here, but I definitely didn’t expect to have to re-adjust to my current life after only 10 days of living my old life.
Songs that have inspired me this past week or so (you should look 'em up):
"Chicken Fried" by Zac Brown Band
"My Kinda Party" by Jason Aldean
"Take a Back Road" by Rodney Atkins
"Heart Like Mine" by Miranda Lambert (many of her other songs too)
"Barefoot Blue Jean Night" by Jake Owen
"Boondocks" by Little Big Town
... there are many more, but I'll stop there :)
Later y'all!
high school football, country music, dirt roads, bon fires, comfy jeans, 4-wheel drive trucks
If you guessed that they’re all part of most country music videos, you’re not totally wrong... but I was looking for something like, “well, that’s where Stephanie Gobler comes from!”
A lot of my friends these days have only heard stories, but after a week and a half back home I’m coming out of the country closet. In recent years, I stopped using the word “y’all” and have worked hard to lose my accent. I didn’t want to be country, so every time I went back home to visit, I’d try very hard to not slip into my old southern ways. I ordered vegetarian meals and expensive beer instead of fried fish and bud light. I listened to my indie music instead of down home country music. I made sure to always say “you guys” every time I spoke of a group of people. This go round, something changed. I don’t think it really hit me until halfway through my trip. I drove to Fernandina Beach, FL (2 hrs from home) and listened to country music the whole way. I spent the day at the beach, listened to some more country music, drank a beer and ate some yummy fried fish while I watched the summer rain over the beach.
Somewhere along the drive out of Fernandina, I remembered who I used to be (in the good ways). I rolled the windows down (in the rain), turned up the country tunes, and belted out the lyrics to every song I knew. I ended up on a 10-mile stretch of a FL state highway that is somehow a dirt road with no intersecting roads at all. Normally, this would irritate me, but even with the rain still sprinkling down (and the sun still shining through), my windows were down, music up, and at 20mph, I drove that dirt road with SO much joy! It’s sad when someone begins to miss driving down badly maintained, lonely dirt roads for 10 miles. When I finally got to the paved road, it was so flat I could see for miles... so I did what I always did years ago, I put the pedal down and dared myself to hit 100mph (I chickened out at 99mp, as always and hit the brakes quickly).
The rest of the week, I spent time w/ friends in Valdosta before welcoming my Atlanta friends to town. Let’s just say, that’s all it took for me to revive my country self. By Sunday night, there had been nothing but sunshine, crazy times in the pool with friends (new and old), beer, country music, Jack Daniels, a cowboy hat (mine), hanging in the hot tub, mosquito bites, a trip over an hour into FL by two guys who were set on gettin’ us more beer and some fireworks, fireworks shooting off in all the wrong places, a passed out trooper (off duty, of course)... It only made sense that Monday would start with a little bit of fishing off the dock.
It may have been a foreign experience for some of my Atlanta friends, but for me, there’s not a whole lot better in this world than livin’ it up country-style sometimes! As has happened before, after being down home for over a week, I have had a hard time not missing it. I live in an urban neighborhood... I can’t see the stars, there’s no lake out back, no bonfires or fields or dirt roads... It’s hard to live a country song life in the city, but it’s not impossible. I love my ‘hood and my community here, but I definitely didn’t expect to have to re-adjust to my current life after only 10 days of living my old life.
Songs that have inspired me this past week or so (you should look 'em up):
"Chicken Fried" by Zac Brown Band
"My Kinda Party" by Jason Aldean
"Take a Back Road" by Rodney Atkins
"Heart Like Mine" by Miranda Lambert (many of her other songs too)
"Barefoot Blue Jean Night" by Jake Owen
"Boondocks" by Little Big Town
... there are many more, but I'll stop there :)
Later y'all!
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