For about a week, my mind has been in a nearly-constant haze. It began with questions and confrontations, unmet expectations, and a number of miscommunications. Days went by while we each sat in limbo and prayer...individually wondering what we'd do next. Neither of us knowing where the other stood in all of the madness. It seems as if that's the summation of our relationship. Both of us so often not knowing and misinterpreting feelings. Two people so insecure just cannot work together. Neither can carry the other if both are bogged down by the weight of their own needs, expectations, and insecurities. What I read as disinterest was instead an invitation to grow closer. What he read as being hesitant to move forward was instead an attempt at patience for his timeline. Unfortunately, neither side communicated where we wanted to go, and neither side was willing to initiate the next step. Taking a realistic look at how far we've come, without communicating deeper, hitting a wall was inevitable.
Despite the logic of this breakup, it was still a surprise...I think to us both. The timing wasn't all that great, but is the time ever good to part ways? We could go through the "what if"s and "if only"s all day long, but in the end, what will be will be. Part of me wants to jump into the role that I've found myself in many times before, that of the bitter woman who will never trust a man again (for a while). Honestly, I want to be angry and pissed off because that makes it easier. If I split with a guy who did something wrong, then it's easy to justify on every level that I'm better off without him. I don't think I'm better or worse off without him this time...I think I've learned more than I expected to learn about myself. So, after a period of mulling over thoughts from every direction, I will hold my head high and know that hope's not lost.
Honestly, I wish it was easier though. As someone who doesn't do the relationship thing very often, it takes a toll to have a relationship end after knowing how hard it was to allow myself into a relationship to begin with. So, yeah, I'll listen to depressing music from time to time. I'll allow myself to be sad because sadness is a healthy part of life. I'll be straight-forward for a minute, I had intended to make it through this blog post without being entirely honest. I was going to play up the "I'm a stronger woman" sentiment because that's what we all want after a relationship ends. If I'm being real, though, I am sad to see it end. Regardless of the things that I know could have been bigger issues down the line, I enjoyed what we had while it lasted. As with anything in life, things come and go...good and bad. So, while I'm most definitely on the mend and well on my way to legitimately feeling stronger, it's a process.
I really can't believe I'm being this straight forward in a blog that anybody could read. So, if you see me in the next week or so, I can't predict whether or not I'll be laughing or numb. Honestly, I'm moody enough on a regular basis that I probably won't be acting any different than normal. Just to get this out there, though, I don't want to have people be angry at him for any reason or sad for me for any reason (or sad for him/angry at me even). It's just another chapter in my life. I can spend time dwelling on the end of this chapter, or I can look toward what lies ahead. As scary as it can be to let go, I didn't get it tattooed on my wrist for no reason... times like this are when I need the reminder to breathe in deeply and know when to let go.
It was, no doubt, fun while it lasted, but
this is time for letting go.
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