Treading water

Do you ever feel like you've been fighting a losing battle so long that you've lost track of how you got there in the first place? That's kind of a familiar battle for me because I forget stuff kind of easily anyway... I debated whether to post this blog on my public blog or my more private one. Honestly, at this moment, I'm still unsure whether or not I'll end up moving it to the private blog before posting it. I never know what I'll end up writing anyway.

I always have a difficult time figuring out how I'm going to begin a post, so I ramble on and on until I am able to get going. I kind of think sometimes that's a pretty good summation of my life. I rarely know how to get started with anything, so I just push along, treading water, until something happens. That's a pretty exhausting way to live, if you ask me. No matter what the goal is or what area of my life, that's my tendency. I find myself fighting against my own tendencies so often that I go nowhere. Granted, I know a lot of people find themselves in this limbo sort of situation. I have found myself knocked down by a sort of limbo off and on for years now. I think it's got a lot to do with perspective. When all I can see are the mistakes I've made, the places I haven't been, and the goals I haven't reached, I get exhausted.

I feel like it'd be nice to blog about how I've been treading water for so long but have now found a solution. Yeah, that's not the case. I'm just exhausted...too exhausted to find a solution...to exhausted to even make sense of my thoughts...too exhausted to push forward...to exhausted to look back. I can't seem to simply be still though. I continue to tread water. I'm running on the treadmill of life, watching things happen all around while I go nowhere. I do realize that I'm not actually going nowhere. I'm moving toward home-ownership, but that's not an end goal, it's just a new chapter that will be filled with plenty of ups and downs. It's been another long, exhausting process. I'm thankful for it, but that doesn't make me any less worn down. I feel like that's a big problem I face. I'm grateful for so many things, but my gratitude doesn't make me any less exhausted. My moments of joy don't help balance out or counter my constant exhaustion. In fact, I often find that it's relishing in these moments of joy and celebration that leads to another round of exhaustion.

My tendency seems to be to see the build up of good things (buying a house, for example), and I get all excited and I am nearly floating in joy. This is good. However, at some point, the reality of all that goes along with the good thing (buying a house: mortgage, inspections, a lot of paperwork, etc) kind of hits, and the process becomes exhausting. Now, if life was simple and only one thing happened at a time, maybe exhaustion wouldn't always be the result of everything. Life isn't that simple, though. As usual, I am juggling more than just a couple of little things, so I push forward toward each goal. I wear myself out trying to keep up with all that's going on...everyone knows I don't ask for help or say "no" to anything/anyone. So, I juggle work, house-buying, relationships, other commitments and responsibilities, etc. Inevitably, I find myself crashing again and again. I don't just crash once every year or so...I am pretty sure I get this exhausted at least twice a year (maybe more, I forget).

Well, writing hasn't rejuvenated me or given me any extra motivation/energy. I was kind of hoping for that. Oh well, it was worth a shot.