When Uncertainty Bogs Me Down

I'm back at it...and by "it," I mean attempting to process something by writing until any part of it makes sense. Loss and uncertainty are a part of life. I get this. I understand this as reality, but that doesn't make it easy. Loss/uncertainty, even indirect loss/uncertainty, effects us all. In regard to current events, I refuse to use the term "loss" alone because right now, there is no certain way of knowing if loss has, in fact, occurred. So, even if there's only a small morsel of hope, I'll hold onto it and use the term "uncertainty" for now.

As a believer, I half expect God to come through in huge ways all the time. I know this doesn't always happen. I know that His plans are bigger than mine, and when he is ready for something to happen, it happens as He wants, not as we want. Right now, I'm staring at a situation where part of me wants to shout to God, "WHERE ARE YOU?! Can't you see there are people hurting?? Can't you see there are people doubting and confused and in need of closure? Where are you!?" Does this mean I have no faith? No, I have plenty of faith that He does great things. I think I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around how to handle situations where God doesn't come through in the way I expect. Ultimately, I trust that whatever happens is His will, therefore it's good... I just don't like it right now, and I don't know how to trust it entirely right now, I guess.

I don't like seeing hurt in the eyes of people I care about. I hurt not only because of the uncertainty, I hurt for those who I know hurt more. I hurt for those prayers that may not be answered in the way many of us had hoped they'd be. I hurt because we still don't know anything...and the unknowing is painful. I hurt when people I care about hurt. In confusion, I hurt knowing that the heavy load we carry weighs each of us down individually...even in community, we will inevitably hurt. Even if we know we can give our burden to God, we still hurt. I hurt for those who hurt so much more. If I could take a small piece of their pain upon myself to share, I would do it because I imagine they hurt twice as much as I do...


Times like this I have to search so deeply for hope. I have to dig deep for some sign of His intervention in my life. I go back and I try to remember times when He has stepped in and answered major prayers, and I hope for some sort of revival of faith as a result. Instead, I still feel the uncertainty and I still want to shout out, "God, where are you?" I sit here unable to think about anything else. My heart and mind are so heavy...

I don't think any of this makes sense yet. Maybe it's not supposed to.

Praise, Pray, Run

We serve a pretty big God, in case you were unaware. Like Psalm 139 (which has been referred to a lot lately) reminds us, He knows where we are... he knows are dark places and meets us there. He knows where we are when we try to hide, and when we inadvertently become lost, He knows where we are. It's tough to take that one in... when NOBODY else knows where we are, He knows. So why doesn't he jump in and rescue us right away? Why does he make us wait? I can't answer that...none of us can, really. So, I guess the dilemma is what do we do while we wait? Whether we are waiting for our own rescue or, more specifically, if we are waiting to hear of the rescue of someone we care about, what do we do in the in-between?

I think the main thing we are supposed to do is to simply be still and wait. We are told to "be still and know" that He is God...that means to be still and know that He will come through. It may not be in a way we expect or hope, but there is not a single doubt in my mind that He will show up and His will will be done. From the time we are small children, we are instructed to remain where we are if we're lost or separated from our group. It's the basic protocol for being found...stay where you are, help and hope will come to you in time. There is probably a huge challenge in knowing what it looks like to be still and wait. So what can we do during the times of unknown, uncertainty, and limbo?

I choose to Praise, Pray, and Run. This isn't a cure-all for uncertainty, by any means, but it is my method for fighting idle thoughts and doubts. It's how I wait without feeling stuck.

I praise my God because He knows where I am. He is that big. He knows that where we feel uncertainty, He will provide resolution. where we have doubts and unknowns, He will provide hope and peace. So, I praise this God...I praise this God for His peace and His truth, even when I feel stuck in limbo. I praise Him because I have faith that the limbo will end.

I pray because that is the only way out of this mess, sometimes. I pray. We pray as a community in my church, and I don't think I've ever been apart of such real, raw prayer as I have in the past week. I pray because He hears every word I pray, whether aloud or silently. When I can't articulate the words, He still knows where my heart is. He sees the darkest places within us and hears our cries. He knows where we are. So, we pray.

I run. I run because when my mind only wants to focus on the dark places, I have to find a light. I run because it brings that light and that clarity. I run because it provides temporary relief from worry. I run until my legs hurt because the physical pain seems to take away the stress, worry, and doubt. So, I run. This weekend I hit double digits for the first time ever on my run. Why? I ran far because I had 10 miles worth of worry and stress to fight.

So, that's it...this is what I do. I am sure everyone has their own way of working through doubts, fears, uncertainties, and limbo. I choose to praise, I choose to pray, and I choose to run!

Homeowner Rants... Part 2

Ok, this is just a follow up b/c I need to vent.

My home inspection was apparently done by someone who does not pay attention to detail very well. Also, my roof was apparently built by monkeys. I have now been told by two different roofers that it needs to be replaced, but they can fix it for now (since I don't have insurance to cover a new roof at the moment). It's apparently one of the worst roofs one of the roofers has ever seen...ever. I saw the photos myself, and it is awful, I am fairly certain that I could have done a better job had I built the roof myself. It's awful. I can't even begin to describe how bad it actually looks...and it's only about 2 years old. It was just horribly built. So, roofing repair is a must, and it's gotta be done asap.

My house still needs insulation added too, but I am clueless. I don't even know where to begin...the same goes for the other list of things I could do to keep winter out and heat in. I'm clueless.

As for the plumbing issue. According to Atlanta Watershed morons, my meter works fine... it'd be nice now if I could access the meter myself because I still need to figure out WHERE this supposed leak actually is located. I suspect it's between the house and the meter, but since the City locks those things down, I can't figure it out myself. Whatever the case, a full plumbing job is going to cost me some money... and I suspect that I will need to prepare for that asap as well. I also am pretty sure that I need to properly insulate the plumbing in my crawlspace because the contractors were slackers.

Speaking of slack... the amount of structural support below my house leaves much to be desired. I wanted to have "add structural support" at the top of my to-do list for the house, but since my house isn't yet falling down, I have to fix the immediate stuff first. Sometimes I wish I was actually much handier than I actually am...or just had the resources to hire someone to do everything for me in a single weekend. Unfortunately, I'm just me...not at all handy and soon-to-be broke from house repairs.

So, is it worth it? Is owning my house really worth all of this stress so soon? Yes. The way I see it, I knew all of these things would eventually go wrong. I knew I was going to have a mess on my hands at some point. I have decided that I'd rather it all happen now (as much as it sucks and is costing a lot of money) because I'd rather tackle a lot at once rather than have one big thing after another stretched out over time. Not to say that I expect home-ownership to be problem free in the future... but maybe for a while I can get some peace. I mean, I lived for a year and a half in a 90-year-old house that had no problems. So, maybe someday my house can go that long without falling to pieces. For now, I just have to roll with the punches... maybe here and there I can do something with my house that isn't simply a "must do" and rather makes it more me. For example, maybe I'll paint the dining room the color I want sooner rather than later. That way, at least something I'm doing w/ the house is what I want to do, not what I have to do.

Yeah, I've got a long road ahead... why not jump in head-first?

Homeowner Rants... yes, already

Being a homeowner isn't all it cracked up to be. Don't be me wrong, I still love the fact that I own my house. I just was not at all prepared to deal with this much stuff this quickly. I'm keeping my head up, even if it's not easy.

I closed on my house 3 months ago today. In three months, I have fought with every utility company just to simply get utilities switched to a single family home from what was once a duplex. That was an ongoing battle in some cases. Aside from the initial move-in madness, things went well the first little while I was in the house. I spent plenty of money adding little things here and there for security and privacy... alarm system, security door, bars on the windows, and of course blinds all over. These were all anticipated things, though. Since then, I've purchased a surveillance system which was way more complicated than I expected, so it's not yet installed...it's just taking up space until then.

Then came my attempt to caulk/seal all the windows to keep out the draft. It turns out caulking is a lot of work and with gaps as big as 1/2" in some spots, caulking is useless. Not to mention, my single-pane windows are massive, so caulking only helps a little bit anyway. I finally got curtains because of the breeze flowing through my giant single-pane windows. I was proud of that purchase, but now I realize that I need more than that. As temperatures dropped to 20 degrees in Atlanta last night, I came home to a 62-degree house that wouldn't heat to above 63 degrees all evening. Space heaters are life-savers, but they are not at all energy efficient.

So, now what? I have to up the ante on weather-proofing my house. Storm windows or something...here's the kicker, I don't know how to install any of this stuff! I don't know anything about weather-proofing. I'm practically from Florida. This isn't really an issue down there. I also have never lived in a 90-year-old, poorly insulated house. That brings me to my next issue...I need more insulation in the exterior walls. All I see are dollar signs in every direction.

So, now let's review this list of what needs to be done just to get through the winter: add storm windows or window film (if possible), add insulation around the perimeter, hang drapes, check/add insulation in every possible location that may be lacking. Not too bad.

Of course, let's back up and look at the other pile of poo I'm dealing with. My water usage has been about quadruple (or higher) what it should have been the past couple of months. So, in addition to winter, I may have a plumbing leak. I've spent 2 weeks trying to get the watershed morons to come out and check my meter (which is locked down, so I can't check it for leaks myself). That doesn't even take into account the fact that I first disputed the initial bill a month and a half ago. I'm just hoping that if there is a slow leak, it doesn't freeze and cause bigger problems right now.

That brings me to my next issue...unexpected problems. That's why we have homeowner's insurance, in many cases. Well, what happens when 2 months after getting the house insured, you get notified that your home insurance is being cancelled? Yeah. I've been fighting that one too, and unless I get it resolved, I will not have home insurance in a few days. Their reason for cancelling is based on the appearance of my roof...no gutters looks sloppy, but it is sufficient. That's it. Because the seams appear to be separating, they won't insure my house. Despite the fact that I can point out 10 houses w/ the same roof appearance (and older than mine). I assume some of them are probably insured.

So...Happy New Year... let's all freeze, leak, and lose our insurance! I'm keeping my head up though. The worst-case-scenarios that could happen will to cost more money than I want to even think about, but at least if I get the worst of it out of the way now, things in the future will go more smoothly. I hope.


But not only that! We even take pride in our problems, because we know that trouble produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope. This hope doesn’t put us to shame, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 2:3-5