What NOT to do...in life, really

I have had the wonderful misfortune/opportunity to go on more first dates that I can count in my life... considering that I’ve been dating for a solid 15 years or more, even if I’d been on a few first dates each year, I easily have probably had anywhere from 30-45 first dates. As such, I have more stories to tell than I could have ever imagined I’d have.

The most recent debacle has inspired me to share with the world the kind of dating environment I all-too-often find myself facing. To begin, everyone knows that I’m kind of tall and essentially have the body of a runner. I am active. I work out obsessively, etc. As such, I typically look for the same sort of thing in a guy... at least someone who is active (whether he looks the part or not) and eats healthy. Someone who can keep up with me... obviously, haha.

Well, I somehow found myself accepting a baseball game invite from someone not only a solid 3” shorter than me (y’know the guys who say they’re 5’8” but really they are lucky to hit 5’7”), but who also is the kind of guy who “works out.” By “works out,” I mean that he may go to the gym once in awhile, but it doesn’t really show, if you know what I mean. Now, that’s totally fine, but short, stocky, and not health-conscious (plus minor man-boob action) just is NOT my type. So, any dude like this is starting with a deficit from the get-go. However, I’m open minded...so, I’ll give you a shot.

(If you can keep up...)

Now, this encounter managed to include so many more “what not to do” moments, that I don’t have time to go in depth (yes, that bad). However, I will gladly list the things a guy should probably NEVER do...at least if he wants to not send me running for the door.

• While driving through my neighborhood (knowing I own a house here), say something like, “Oh I could never live in a place like this,” multiple times... within the first 5 minutes
• Make a blatant racist comment regarding the neighbors in the areas around my neighborhood... after I continue to talk about how wonderful and diverse my ‘hood is.
• Attempt to impress me with your season tickets to the nosebleed seats for the Braves...after I have mentioned that I’m not a huge baseball fan.
• Proudly talk about how you know so many people at Turner Field because you used to work there in marketing/promotions, and proceed to walk around the entire stadium saying hi to a few people working to prove that you know them.
• Take the opportunity, while watching the live broadcast from Fox Sports filming, to talk about what it’s like to be a video editor and try to “nerd it up” with knowledge of live broadcast (rather than acknowledge the athlete and tv personality right in front of us)... tho, props if you shut up after I mention having a good friend behind the scenes at CNN.
• Continually make negative remarks about my alma mater, Georgia Tech (not just in sports), while talking up UGA... especially if you did not go there. Also, if I say, "yeah, we have had a disappointing few seasons..." do not continue to talk sports related trash! Come on!
• In asking about my races/triathlons, say any of the following things:
• What’s your pace [for a triathlon]?
• Oh, that doesn’t sound like much, I could probably do that. (in response to the race description of my Olympic distance that weekend)
• How far is the Half Ironman?...(I answer, then...) Oh, that’s not too bad.
• What’s your fastest half-marathon (after I explain that I don’t really have an across-the-board “pace” for all triathlons, ugh)? ….Oh, my fastest was [whatever...faster than mine] years ago.
• Casually drop that you did 2 marathons over half a decade ago (when you were obviously thinner)...
• Tell me how fast you run on a treadmill (I assume once a week for like 5 minutes).
• Once you quit annoying me with attempts to impress me with your supposed athletic history, order fried food and a Coca-cola...while I have to search for anything healthy!
• Tell me you know nothing about beer and don’t drink... uh oh!
• Ask me about my job, and then for some reason say, “oh, so you’re like a glorified project manager?” (I can’t even respond to that...and you are “between jobs”).
• Actually ask what the salary for a job like mine is... SERIOUSLY?! And when I just give a vague range, you actually ask where in the range I fall... What. The. WHAT!?
• Say that “the wave” is the worst thing that ever happened to baseball games.
• Make fun of every single person on the big screen with phrases like “why do white people look so dumb”... especially if you are a white dude!
• Say anything like, “that’s why I never want kids, they act stupid...” (referring to a kid dancing on the big screen)
• Play on twitter the entire game, after every big play/call, to see what the twitter world has to say about everything...
• Try to impress me with baseball knowledge, knowing that I don’t really love baseball, but I understand the sport...don’t need explanations.
• Make a judgemental comment saying that sometimes you see couples that are so mis-matched you wonder how they ever met... esp when all I can think is that they’re looking at us thinking the same damn thing, buddy!

Ok, I think that’s a pretty solid list of what-not-to-do’s if you really want to ever win me over. These, among others, are things that most would consider to be common sense. However, I’ve come to the realization that many people are just blind to reality. It happens.

The best part of it all? This was actually probably not the worst date I’ve ever had... by far one of the more interesting because I don’t think any single person has ever managed to do so much wrong in such a small period of time...ever. So, congrats to this guy, at least he made an impression.