When Uncertainty Bogs Me Down

I'm back at it...and by "it," I mean attempting to process something by writing until any part of it makes sense. Loss and uncertainty are a part of life. I get this. I understand this as reality, but that doesn't make it easy. Loss/uncertainty, even indirect loss/uncertainty, effects us all. In regard to current events, I refuse to use the term "loss" alone because right now, there is no certain way of knowing if loss has, in fact, occurred. So, even if there's only a small morsel of hope, I'll hold onto it and use the term "uncertainty" for now.

As a believer, I half expect God to come through in huge ways all the time. I know this doesn't always happen. I know that His plans are bigger than mine, and when he is ready for something to happen, it happens as He wants, not as we want. Right now, I'm staring at a situation where part of me wants to shout to God, "WHERE ARE YOU?! Can't you see there are people hurting?? Can't you see there are people doubting and confused and in need of closure? Where are you!?" Does this mean I have no faith? No, I have plenty of faith that He does great things. I think I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around how to handle situations where God doesn't come through in the way I expect. Ultimately, I trust that whatever happens is His will, therefore it's good... I just don't like it right now, and I don't know how to trust it entirely right now, I guess.

I don't like seeing hurt in the eyes of people I care about. I hurt not only because of the uncertainty, I hurt for those who I know hurt more. I hurt for those prayers that may not be answered in the way many of us had hoped they'd be. I hurt because we still don't know anything...and the unknowing is painful. I hurt when people I care about hurt. In confusion, I hurt knowing that the heavy load we carry weighs each of us down individually...even in community, we will inevitably hurt. Even if we know we can give our burden to God, we still hurt. I hurt for those who hurt so much more. If I could take a small piece of their pain upon myself to share, I would do it because I imagine they hurt twice as much as I do...


Times like this I have to search so deeply for hope. I have to dig deep for some sign of His intervention in my life. I go back and I try to remember times when He has stepped in and answered major prayers, and I hope for some sort of revival of faith as a result. Instead, I still feel the uncertainty and I still want to shout out, "God, where are you?" I sit here unable to think about anything else. My heart and mind are so heavy...

I don't think any of this makes sense yet. Maybe it's not supposed to.