One year ago this week (this weekend, actually) was one of the most anxiety-filled, scary times in my life. Below is a quick journal entry I typed up about a year ago, shortly before going to meet with my doctor to discuss results of a test...
10.23.09
"Dear God I'm freaking out. I don't need to be b/c I know it'll be ok. It's just been a lot to take in lately. After my first physical therapy appointment being told to schedule an appointment with my doc to look at my "distended" abdomen. Within a week I will have had 5 doctors appointments...2 physical therapy, 1 to have the doc look at my belly and run a bunch of tests, 1 abdominal ultrasound of all of my organs, and today I am going back to discuss the results of my tests. This is a lot to take in. I've always been healthy. I'm sure it's nothing big; in fact, I bet it's something embarrassingly minor. I'm sure I'll feel stupid for even worrying so much about it. Still, I can't kick the anxiety of not knowing...even if it is something small or nothing at all, I am kind of freaking out. I've left work early for appointments all week, so I'm sure my coworkers are curious...though, I have been implying that it's all related to physical therapy or routine stuff. I hope that is all it will turn out to be. I didn't sleep well last night b/c all I could think about was how bad it could potentially be. That's ridiculous. I have no control here, and it's probably more likely that nothing's really wrong. Still, I seem to see the worst possibilities. I am glad to have taken the route I did though, talking to my doctor about my back pain when I went in for a sinus infection a few weeks ago. If it hadn't been for that, my physical therapist wouldn't have been able to point out that my stomach shouldn't poke out the way it does. I'm sure that whatever (if anything) is wrong isn't that time-sensitive because this has been going on a while...but then again, what do I know? Ugh, "trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding"...I need to do that, I need to quit thinking about it and just trust in the Lord. Maybe I'm worried because I'm not really worried enough. I don't know...I am not going to think about it anymore until my appointment at lunchtime. Until then, it's all God...no more worrying."
Now back to the present...At that moment, as anxiety-filled as I was, the true fear had not yet hit. I could have been scared when my doctor rushed the test results of the abdominal ultrasound, but I really wasn't. I could have freaked out when the doc called me only 24 hours after the test were done asking that I come to his office to go over the results he received, but I didn't. I still kind of found it humorous that while so many of my friends and colleagues were having ultrasounds to take a look at their new babies, I was having one to see what was wrong with me. The fear set in at about 12:30pm on that Friday...when I finally spoke face-to-face with the doctor. A year later, I barely remember the details of the conversation...even at the time, only a few words resonated in my mind... "maybe a tumor"..."possibility of cancer"..."oncology specialist"..."CT scan"..."surgery"...etc. My doctor even pointed out to me that this was very serious news and that I was taking it shockingly well. And that is when the fear began.
I remember being asked if I had family in the area, at which point I knew this was serious. I was tough, though, and I kept my game face. As the doctor explained the CT scan procedure I'd go through the following Monday, I held it together. As I walked out of the office w/ all of my forms, the doomsday letter describing what the ultrasound uncovered, and two jugs of disgusting CT contrast liquid, the fear began to take root. Now, I've been scared before...in fact, I have quite the list of irrational fears and anxieties. I can be a huge wimp sometimes. I held it together in this moment, though. I got to my car, took a deep breath, and then I realized that I should probably call my mom and let her know what was going on. Until this moment, I assumed that it wasn't serious, so I hadn't told my parents about all the doctor's visits. That is when the fear that had taken root began to sprout. I lost it, and I'm not the kind of person who loses it easily. I don't cry in front of people (or on the phone with people)...but I lost it. I ended up spending the weekend back home in Valdosta, but I was in haze the whole time. The fear of not knowing what was inside of me was looming in my mind constantly. It was quite a blessing, in the end, to find out the following Tuesday that my CT results revealed a likely benign tumor. Benign...whew, and then the fear was defeated.
One year since the fear...11 months since the surgery...9 months since returning to the daily grind of life. What a year!
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