The Gift of Unmarriedness

I know we have all heard the cheesy reference that singleness is a gift, blah, blah, blah. Well, I have decided that “single” is a term that implies being alone. Being single, or unmarried, does not mean that we have to be alone. Therefore, from here on out, I will be using the term “unmarried” instead of “single”...besides, by the time we reach this age, people are simply either married or they are not. So back to the point...the gift of being unmarried. Now, as an unmarried person who has been known to wallow in self-pity over the fact that I’m alone, I am openly acknowledging that being unmarried is a gift. In recent generations, the number of people marrying later in life has increased substantially, thus creating a group that has never had such a large presence in the past. The unmarried adult group is booming. As unmarried adults these days, we have freedoms and opportunities that previous generations could only dream of. If we want to travel abroad, spend time in missions, go back to school, uproot and move to another city, etc, we can do it when we want. We are responsible for ourselves and only ourselves. We are a single-person-family, as a friend has pointed out to me.

As unmarried adults, we have nothing but opportunity ahead of us...yes, one day it would be ideal to have the companionship that comes along with marriage, but there’s no use in wasting our time and energy now focused on what may come in the future with marriage. The gift of unmarriedness is in the fact that so many people never get to experience what we do at this phase in our lives. Many of our parents probably married in their early to mid 20s, and many of my old friends and colleagues were married by 25. I’m happy for them, and they are pleased with their lives as well. However, they are kind of missing out on something the unmarried group gets to experience...independence and freedom. This can be a double-edged sword if we take it to such a level that we don’t allow even close friends and potential mates to get inside our “bubbles,” but for the most part the kind of independence we experience can be quite healthy. I think that in the past, women were expected to keep their lives in a state of limbo until Mr. Right came along to help them create a life together. Women were encouraged to get married so they could “settle down” and have a family...which meant that until someone came to sweep them off their feet, they were nothing but in-between.

Our generation has been given the opportunity and encouragement to do more with our unmarried adulthood. We can travel anywhere we want, we can go after dreams that maybe would be much less practical if we were married, we can go back to school or change our career...the world is our oyster. It is often tempting to put a lot of things on the back burner in the hope of finding a man before “growing up”...buying a house, for example, is an option for anybody these days, and there is no reason that we can’t own a home before we find our spouse. There’s no reason to wait to pursue that dream job or master’s degree. I think the biggest challenge we unmarried folks face is ourselves. Since there is a larger presence of unmarried people in the church now than in the past, there is a huge untapped market that is not being directly ministered to. Many churches have tried Singles ministries, but due to the fear of being a part of a “meat market,” many people are hesitant to participate. I truly believe that unmarried people need something more than just hang out time with other unmarried adults. We need support, just the same as newly married couples, parents, college students, etc. There are ministries for moms, for engaged couples, for married couples, for college students, for youth, and so on. These ministries exist to provide support and community to groups with specific needs. Yes, there are plenty of general opportunities in small group and bible study settings for everybody, but what about specifically addressing the needs of the unmarried community in the same way needs are addressed for the other phases in life? By this I mean that maybe there needs to be a movement within the church (by “the church,” I don’t mean a specific church...I’m being general).

I truly think that unmarried women would benefit from being in Christian community with other unmarried women who face the same challenges and insecurities...there are a lot of us out there, and we are all struggling in some ways. Imagine what growth could come if we were able to provide support to one another? As for the unmarried Christian men, I believe they could truly benefit from guidance within the church. Maybe it’s just me, but as a Christian woman, I can’t exactly picture myself benefiting from (or even taking part in) an unmarried-people bible study or ministry that’s led by a married woman. From other people I’ve spoken to on the topic, it seems that the consensus is that single, unmarried women need the kind of community (and leadership within the community) of other unmarried women. We don’t want to be led by a woman who is already married...even if she didn’t marry until her 30s, the fact remains that she is no longer struggling with what we currently face. Men, on the other hand, seem to need guidance. They are to be the spiritual leaders, and I think as such, they are wired to better accept guidance/leadership/support (whatever you want to call it) from someone who is already “a step ahead” in a way. I think unmarried men should get guidance and support from men who have been there but were able to figure out what to do next...from men who are currently acting as spiritual leaders in their own marriages.

There it is...the gift of unmarriedness presents wonderful opportunities and challenges. My prayer is for other unmarried folks to embrace the opportunities and freedoms we have been blessed with at this unique phase in our lives, and I also pray for those unmarrieds who are facing particular struggles to seek community an not try to fight the battle alone.