Another year gone by

Even though my birthday was actually a few weeks ago now, I've finally gotten around to taking my annual look at life. Every year around my birthday, I make a new year's resolution. This is a new year in my life, and there's no reason to not resolve to change or grow in some way. I'm sure in a year I'll look back on this and see how much farther along I am at that time. Until then, here I am doing what I can with who I am.

This year's resolution involves a little more action than in years gone by. In fact, it's all about taking action and moving forward. Like many people, I have always had certain dreams and goals that I'd hoped to accomplish throughout my life so far. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a dreamer because most of those dreams were never realized. I have quite the list of "almosts," yet I've said for years that my main goal in this life is to have no regrets. I finally realized that having a list of "almosts" is not much different than me holding on to regrets. So, this year I will pursue an "almost." There have been so many dreams and passions I've had through the years, and I have let many of them go simply because I was scared to push on and follow through. I don't actually regret never pursuing these avenues because the lack of pursuit brought me to where I am today...which I cannot regret that, even when my current state makes me want to scream and cry.

Pursuing an "almost" is a frightening experience. I gave up on this particular "almost" years ago for reasons that, at the time, seemed valid. I see now that my reasoning was flawed, naive, and lacking faith. So, it is with much prayer that I push forward. It is with a willingness to abandon all that I know as comfortable that I will take the next step. No lie, I do doubt my ability to accomplish this. I also doubt, at times, that it will happen. I remember the first time I fully pursued something that seemed too good to be true, something that could have easily turned into one of my "almosts." I remember the sense of joy and peace I felt by following that path, but I also remember the challenges I faced. I remember being changed, and in many ways I would never be the same again. This is the cost of pursuit, a willingness to be transformed into someone we never expected.

By standing still, I will never grow. Honestly, I often wish I could hop in my car, hit the road, and keep driving until I couldn't drive anymore. Change is frightening, but sometimes it is the only option. We can either let change overtake us and break us down, or we can abandon ourselves to the changes that lie ahead. The latter is much more difficult because it means accepting that who we are and where we are is not who and where we will be. It means throwing structure and caution to the wind. It means being ok with the fact that all we know can change in an instant. It means trusting God when the world around us seems to crumble. It means knowing when to hold on and when to let go.