tales of the tumor

It has been named Leroy. Why? Not sure, in an instant of sick humor and feeling creative I decided to name my tumor Leroy. I figure, if it's big enough to cause as many problems as it has, the little joker deserves a name. Of course a male name, who else would be inconsiderate enough to cause such problems just for fun. In dealing with all of the unknowns and anxieties of this whole ordeal, I have discovered a lot about myself and about life. Yes, I know it's just a silly tumor, fairly common, everyone has their dramas in life. Anywho, whatever the case, I have learned a few things...

1. I actually have a fairly sick sense of humor, as I have managed to stay more than upbeat throughout most of this time. I mean, I named my tumor Leroy and refer it it as my "tumor baby." The way I see it, if we can't laugh at life, life will laugh at us. Personally, I like to be in on the joke and not the object of it.

2. There is pretty much no way I will be able to ever hide a pregnancy beyond 16 weeks, as that's about the current size of my tumor and in the past 6 months have been asked numerous times if I had a bun in the oven. Nope, it's just a tumor baby, even though at times I feel huge.

3. I am jealous that pregnant people get to wear maternity pants. For the past few weeks I have secretly wished I had some b/c I can't sit comfortably in jeans anymore.

4. Googling surgery is not a good idea...just don't do it.

5. I will never be able to ask enough questions to really prepare myself for anything. Luckily, I have enough family and friends to ask me questions that I realize I probably should've already asked.

(now for the less goofy, more meaningful things I've learned...)

6. In perspective, any news can be good news. Einstein was right, everything is relative. One day I heard the words, "it could be cancer." Days later the news, "it's a tumor," made me giddy at the simple hope that I probably didn't have cancer. Had my doctors not told me previously that it could've been cancer, maybe my attitude would not have been as positive has it's been these past couple of weeks. I'm blessed that it's not cancer and even more so because it may explain/resolve back pain issues I'd almost given up hope about.

7. When you actually allow yourself to give something up to God, He really does wonderful things. I have never been good at this, as I am an uber control freak. However, as events unfolded last month, I knew that I had no control and that I could do absolutely nothing about anything. I was powerless in almost every way. The only power I had lied in my being able to give this to God. I wasn't sure what giving it to God would look like, or even if I'd realized that I had done it. However, because this situation involves so much more than just me, my health, and my tumor, I have seen God in so many ways...so I know He heard me. Before I even knew what I needed, God had provided it. Worries that I'd been afraid to express to anyone other than God had been taken care of. Then, I realized He has put people in my life that I can, in fact, trust (something I also am not good at doing). In realizing this, I was able to be honest about my anxieties and needs in this time...wow, I have learned so much about humility. I have never been good at allowing people to help me or take care of me in anyway. I have taken pride in my self-sufficiency and independence. In this experience, I see how God is challenging me to put down that pride...I will be unable to take care of so much in the coming months. God will provide, as He already has begun to do, and I will see what it is to accept help. So, praise God for reality. Praise Him for knocking us on our rears in big ways or small ones, because these are the times where He really takes up residence in our lives.

Basically, I always have gotten through things by allowing myself to laugh and not taking life too seriously. However, when something fairly serious stared me in the face, I wasn't sure how I would handle it. Not surprisingly, the goofy side of my personality has taken over and there's been a lot of laughter as a result. I praise God that I'm able to laugh because I know that without laughter, my life would be so dark. At the same time, I have had to face the reality that I am not superwoman. Which, surprisingly, is not so funny to me. There it is though. Leroy my tumor-baby has been quite the teacher...or maybe quite the teacher's aide for the Ultimate Teacher. I am so grateful for all of the support from family in friends through this, and I know I would be nothing were it not for the love shown by so many wonderful people right now.