As 2012 draws to a close, I look back on this past year and these past 30 years. I think I can say, for the first time in my life, that if I died tomorrow, I would be okay. I don't mean okay in the sense that I'd be spending eternity celebrating with the Lord, but I mean this in a sense that my life has been lived well so far. Of course, I'm not ready to quit, by any means. Many years ago I resolved to start living my life with no regrets. My interpretation of this "no regrets" life has changed through the years.
Initially, I thought living without regrets meant never making mistakes or bad decisions. That was an obvious failure. After a few years of trial and error, I came to see that "no regrets" meant that even in my failures, I could grow. As I faced early adulthood knowing very little about life, I knew I would face failure, heartache, and darkness. This approach has really helped me grow over the last decade. I struggled at times with the fact that I have had to learn a few lessons over and over (some I'm still re-learning). In the past few months, I fought with myself over the fact that after all these years of resolving to have no regrets, I was beginning to feel regret when I couldn't see the purpose for what appeared to be mistakes I'd made. For each of my potential regrets, I can find a reason or lesson to be learned.
As I sit here now, though, I have found myself looking back at the past year...the past 30 years... and forward to whatever lies ahead. In the past year, I have made some drastic changes in myself, and now I can honestly say at this moment, I don't have any huge regrets. Things I would have changed? Yes. There are situations I'd love to go back and re-live, but not for the sake of myself... only because, like many people, I have made some bad decisions that had more of an effect on others than myself. In the end, I know that I am where I am, having taken the path I have taken, all for a specific purpose and according to a plan beyond my control.
As I look at myself today, I notice that the changes I made in the past year have helped me come to place of no regrets. If I'd faced death a year ago, I would have felt like I didn't live enough. If I were told that tomorrow would be my last day, as scary as it'd be, I would be okay. This past year, I grabbed life by the horns, and I lived. I fully intend to continue doing this... I may not run my first 10k, half marathon, triathlon, and marathon (totaling 20+ races) every year of my life, and I may not go skydiving every year or get a 7-hour-long tattoo. I'm still going to live. This year was my new awakening. This year I became me. I set aside the confused girl of the past... the one who was scared to venture out on her own and try new things. I may not be able to do everything I want to do or travel to all of the places I want to travel. I won't let that hold me back, though. For now, I will continue to move ahead living each day as if it's my last. As opportunities arise, I'll take them... no matter what the adventure, I'll be ready and willing.
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